Wednesday, November 17, 2004
The last of chapter seven, unless there is a tiny bit more later of course
Xodiac caught herself staring at Marty’s butt as he bent over his CDs muttering to himself. She looked away, trying to be polite, hoping he wouldn’t notice and then realized that she had nothing to lose by letting him know she thought he was cute. This whole sleep with someone on the first date thing might have potentials she’d never considered. It was oddly freeing to think she could do pretty much whatever she wanted to and not have to look the guy in the eye ever again. She could burst into a heartfelt rendition of Stars and Stripes Forever right during the act itself and what was the worst that could happen? Nothing really as far as she could tell. She was home free.
Marty turned around and held his hand out to her. “Would you care to dance?”
She started to say no and then remembered her new creed. So what if she felt gawky and uncoordinated because she didn’t have to impress him. She was already in his house and the sex was sure to come along. It was just a matter of time and she was enjoying waiting to see exactly how it all played out.
Marty hit the play button on his stereo and Bob Marley started to sing. Xodiac stepped into Marty’s arms and sighed as he held her close to his chest. This was nice. He was warm and he really did smell awfully nice. She started singing along. “Flintstone Rock, oh oh Flintstone Rock.”
Marty pushed her away and held her at arm’s length. “What the hell is that?”
“What the hell is what?”
“What are you singing?”
“I’m singing along.”
“With what, pray tell?”
Xodiac was getting a little flustered. She’d never actually seen anyone grind their teeth and talk at the same time. She was vaguely worried about the safety of his tongue. “With the song, the Bob Marley song, Flintstone Rock.” She stepped back because she suddenly thought he might shoot lasers out of his eyes and melt her on the spot.
He spoke in a clear, cold voice. If his voice had been a winter day all the animals would have dropped dead on the spot from dehydration and hypothermia. “It’s called Trenchtown Rock. Not Flintstone. Trenchtown. Say it.”
“It.” She stepped back further and fell onto the couch. He was furious. If Glenda had come into the room with her huge guns right after being called fat by an entire busload of supermodels she still would have looked calmer, saner and friendlier than Marty looked.
“Say Trenchtown Rock.”
“Has anyone told you that you’re a little weird and creepy? I’m going now, I’d say it’s been a nice evening but I’m afraid the last few minutes spoiled all that.”
Marty shook himself. He turned away from her, ran his hands over his face, turned off the stereo, took a deep breath and gave her a charming smile. “I’m sorry, I’m not really like that. I’m too far into my role in the show, that’s all. Let’s just scratch the last few minutes, all right?”
Xoda really wasn’t sure. Actors could be strange that was true but was this guy truly strange or just acting out a part? She reached into her purse and pulled out her key chain with the little can of pepper spray. “All right Marty, you sit over there for a little bit while I think.”
He sank into the chair. “What is this, hostage negotiation?”
“No,” she said. “And it’s not going to be.”
“You aren’t one of those whacky chicks are you?”
“Please, how is anyone supposed to answer that question? First of all it’s an insult and secondly there is no good answer. Either you think I’m crazy or you think I protest too much. The point here is that you are the one who is acting crazy anyway, so why in the hell do I suddenly have to prove myself?” She was pacing now as she talked, waving the pepper spray can in the air. Men could be so irritating sometimes. Sheesh!
“All right, all right, take it easy with that thing. I can’t help it if I really care about music. Don’t you appreciate that I’m passionate?”
“Sure, passionate is good but Jeffrey Dahmer was pretty passionate and I’ve always been glad I never met him.”
“You weren’t his type, trust me. Don’t you have something that you really, really love? That tears you up inside when someone messes with it, disparages it, tarnishes it in any way?”
Xodiac stopped and thought. Did she? Maybe that was the problem with her finding her niche in life. She had no great love of anything besides peace and quiet and she was pretty sure that didn’t count. “Look,” she said. “I love music too. I even love Bob Marley. Admittedly we had our little differences in the beginning but we sorted them out.”
Marty became very still, staring at her in the way she imagined a cobra stared at a mongoose right before the mongoose went off to the great cobra hunting grounds in the sky. “I’m listening,” is all he said.
“I heard the name Marley and the Wailers but I never saw the name spelt out. I really didn’t get it. I thought it was Whalers. I used to be very active for various environmental causes when I was a child. The only one I really kept up was the plight of marine mammals. I love them. I couldn’t get behind music that was about killing these beautiful, intelligent, endangered people who happen to not look exactly like humans.” She looked at Marty. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“Go on,” he said.
“When someone said their music wasn't about killing whales I still thought they were insensitive to the plight of the marine mammals. What kind of barbarian calls himself a whaler when he’s not? I couldn’t decide if that was worse or better. By the time I figured out that Mr. Marley would likely never hurt a whale it was too late, he was dead and now I can’t apologize.”
Marty got out of his chair and advanced on her, his arms out in the classic strangulation pose. “That is the stupidest, most offensive story I have ever heard.”
“Oh get real,” she said as she climbed onto the back of the couch. “You must be the biggest, most sheltered baby in the world if you really think that. Erk!” She kicked at his hands and then, he grabbed one of her feet, she held the spray in front of him. “Stop or I’ll shoot!”
"Give me that, you little fool, before you hurt someone.” He grabbed for the can and she let him have it, right up the nose. When she was quite sure that he was busy rolling around on the floor, screaming, crying and clutching his face, she got her purse and marched out of the apartment, dignity intact.
Marty turned around and held his hand out to her. “Would you care to dance?”
She started to say no and then remembered her new creed. So what if she felt gawky and uncoordinated because she didn’t have to impress him. She was already in his house and the sex was sure to come along. It was just a matter of time and she was enjoying waiting to see exactly how it all played out.
Marty hit the play button on his stereo and Bob Marley started to sing. Xodiac stepped into Marty’s arms and sighed as he held her close to his chest. This was nice. He was warm and he really did smell awfully nice. She started singing along. “Flintstone Rock, oh oh Flintstone Rock.”
Marty pushed her away and held her at arm’s length. “What the hell is that?”
“What the hell is what?”
“What are you singing?”
“I’m singing along.”
“With what, pray tell?”
Xodiac was getting a little flustered. She’d never actually seen anyone grind their teeth and talk at the same time. She was vaguely worried about the safety of his tongue. “With the song, the Bob Marley song, Flintstone Rock.” She stepped back because she suddenly thought he might shoot lasers out of his eyes and melt her on the spot.
He spoke in a clear, cold voice. If his voice had been a winter day all the animals would have dropped dead on the spot from dehydration and hypothermia. “It’s called Trenchtown Rock. Not Flintstone. Trenchtown. Say it.”
“It.” She stepped back further and fell onto the couch. He was furious. If Glenda had come into the room with her huge guns right after being called fat by an entire busload of supermodels she still would have looked calmer, saner and friendlier than Marty looked.
“Say Trenchtown Rock.”
“Has anyone told you that you’re a little weird and creepy? I’m going now, I’d say it’s been a nice evening but I’m afraid the last few minutes spoiled all that.”
Marty shook himself. He turned away from her, ran his hands over his face, turned off the stereo, took a deep breath and gave her a charming smile. “I’m sorry, I’m not really like that. I’m too far into my role in the show, that’s all. Let’s just scratch the last few minutes, all right?”
Xoda really wasn’t sure. Actors could be strange that was true but was this guy truly strange or just acting out a part? She reached into her purse and pulled out her key chain with the little can of pepper spray. “All right Marty, you sit over there for a little bit while I think.”
He sank into the chair. “What is this, hostage negotiation?”
“No,” she said. “And it’s not going to be.”
“You aren’t one of those whacky chicks are you?”
“Please, how is anyone supposed to answer that question? First of all it’s an insult and secondly there is no good answer. Either you think I’m crazy or you think I protest too much. The point here is that you are the one who is acting crazy anyway, so why in the hell do I suddenly have to prove myself?” She was pacing now as she talked, waving the pepper spray can in the air. Men could be so irritating sometimes. Sheesh!
“All right, all right, take it easy with that thing. I can’t help it if I really care about music. Don’t you appreciate that I’m passionate?”
“Sure, passionate is good but Jeffrey Dahmer was pretty passionate and I’ve always been glad I never met him.”
“You weren’t his type, trust me. Don’t you have something that you really, really love? That tears you up inside when someone messes with it, disparages it, tarnishes it in any way?”
Xodiac stopped and thought. Did she? Maybe that was the problem with her finding her niche in life. She had no great love of anything besides peace and quiet and she was pretty sure that didn’t count. “Look,” she said. “I love music too. I even love Bob Marley. Admittedly we had our little differences in the beginning but we sorted them out.”
Marty became very still, staring at her in the way she imagined a cobra stared at a mongoose right before the mongoose went off to the great cobra hunting grounds in the sky. “I’m listening,” is all he said.
“I heard the name Marley and the Wailers but I never saw the name spelt out. I really didn’t get it. I thought it was Whalers. I used to be very active for various environmental causes when I was a child. The only one I really kept up was the plight of marine mammals. I love them. I couldn’t get behind music that was about killing these beautiful, intelligent, endangered people who happen to not look exactly like humans.” She looked at Marty. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“Go on,” he said.
“When someone said their music wasn't about killing whales I still thought they were insensitive to the plight of the marine mammals. What kind of barbarian calls himself a whaler when he’s not? I couldn’t decide if that was worse or better. By the time I figured out that Mr. Marley would likely never hurt a whale it was too late, he was dead and now I can’t apologize.”
Marty got out of his chair and advanced on her, his arms out in the classic strangulation pose. “That is the stupidest, most offensive story I have ever heard.”
“Oh get real,” she said as she climbed onto the back of the couch. “You must be the biggest, most sheltered baby in the world if you really think that. Erk!” She kicked at his hands and then, he grabbed one of her feet, she held the spray in front of him. “Stop or I’ll shoot!”
"Give me that, you little fool, before you hurt someone.” He grabbed for the can and she let him have it, right up the nose. When she was quite sure that he was busy rolling around on the floor, screaming, crying and clutching his face, she got her purse and marched out of the apartment, dignity intact.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
And now it's time to say goodbye for a little bit
As I am leaving in a few hours for Fiddler's Green. I will be way behind on the novel when I return but we will have happy fun dancing times so it's all greatly marvelous.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
More Chapter Seven - very bad headache today so not much writing done, just about a thousand words
“Yeah, let me finish. Hold on, I think I am finished. Just be careful. I can’t see any guy being satisfied with just one night with you. You’re sort of addicting.”
“Shoot, now I feel kind of guilty about this plan.”
“Don’t. They’re grown men, they’ll know what they’re getting into.”
“They? I thought this was a one off so to speak.”
“Don’t nitpick at my words. Now what do you think of that fellow?”
”The one with the blue hair?”
“Yeah that one.”
“I don’t know, how am I supposed to tell from here?”
“Good point,” said Luci. “She probably has to smell him.”
“I have to do what? I’m not a dog you goof.”
“Trust me, it’s a chemistry thang. Walk over to the bar, lean over him and take a good sniff.”
Xoda tried to imagine doing just that and failed. “I’m going to have to take a rain check on that one, captain.”
Luci rolled her eyes. “It’s easy. Watch.” She got up and walked over to the bar. She waved some money over the shoulder of the guy with the blue hair and when the bartender took the cash she leaned over and smelled the neck of Blue Hair. She pointed to her nose with one hand so Xoda would know just exactly what was going on.
“Oh my lord, Carl, your woman is smelling up other men.”
“She’s a hoot, aint she?”
“She is that.” Xoda watched Luci come back to the table with three drinks. She grabbed two away and handed one to Carl. “Well, how was it?”
“A little too much patchouli.”
“Really,” said Carl. “That surprises me. I think of that as a hippy smell, not a punk smell.”
“What’s a punk smell like?”
“That’s not a real good train of thought there darling. Xoda do you like patchouli?”
“Depends on the guy. I knew this one guy at this office and he wore so much of it you could track him through the cubicles with it. It was kind of cool because I always wondered what it was like to be a bloodhound.”
“Go on and smell him and see if you like it,” said Luci.
“Okay, here goes nothing.” Clutching her drink for courage Xoda walked over to the bar and did what Luci had done. Too late she realized that she looked pretty silly waving down the bartender when she had a drink in her hand already. She took a quick sniff as inconspicuously as possible and was surprised by how nice he smelled. Sadly it wasn’t nearly inconspicuous enough and the guy turned to her and smiled.
“Is this a new bar game? Smell the stranger?”
“Yurk,” she said and then wished she could quietly vanish. Into an alternate dimension would be okay with her as long as she wasn’t in this one anymore, looking at this guy’s knowing smile. “Aw come on,” he said. “Please don’t look mortified. I’m Marty.”
“Xodiac.” She held her hand out for him to shake. He had nice hands and a tendril of warmth curled up her arm like a vine stretching to the sun. “Pleased to meet you. Are you going to sing tonight?”
“Sure I am. I was thinking about doing Tiptoe Through the Tulips.” Xoda hadn’t been aware you could choke when you weren’t drinking or eating anything. Marty whacked her on the back a few times. “Are you all right?”
“Yes, I’m fine. You don’t look like the tiptoeing type.”
He grinned and mussed his hair. “It’s the hair, isn’t it? I’m only wearing it like this for a play I’m doing.”
“Oh how cool. What show are you doing?”
“It’s called Spit in Your Eye. It’s off off off Broadway.”
“I guess so since we’re about 200 miles from New York.”
“You got it. I play a disenfranchised youth who turns to music to soothe his pain when his guinea pig meets an untimely death at the jaws of a Rottweiler.”
“How interesting.”
“Naw, it’s no good. I just took it because I need more credits. Are those your friends waving at us?”
“They are. Do you want to come sit with us?”
“Why not.”
#
Xoda watched Marty take the stage. “What do you guys think?”
“It doesn’t matter what we think,” said Luci. “It matters what you think. But I think he’s cute.”
“I’m secure enough in my manhood to say he has a nice ass,” said Carl.
“Well hell, cute and a nice ass, what else is there?”
“He has a nice voice too,” said Luci.
“Then hush up ladies, and let’s hear him use it,” said Carl. They all focused their attention on Marty who was singing Buffalo Soldier with great gusto and a little bit of tune. Luci giggled. Xoda made a hush up face at her.
“Oh poo, he can’t hear me. Don’t worry so much.”
“Huh,” said Carl. “I wouldn’t have figured him for reggae. He doesn’t look the type.”
“Can you imagine blue dreads?”
“Jah would not approve.”
Marty was deep into his song, eyes closed, feeling the pain of the buffalo soldier. Xoda couldn’t figure out how she felt. On the one had it was nice to see someone who felt passionately about their art or hobby or whatever. On the other hand he looked pretty silly. She decided to go with endearing and ignore her negative thoughts. He finished the song with a flourish and blew her a kiss as they clapped. “Ooh,” said Carl. “And you are in his pants, score!”
“You’ve got such a delicate way with words. Now hush, here he comes,” said Xoda. She smiled at Marty who sat down and put his arm around her shoulders. He leaned over and whispered in her ear.
“Want to head out of here?”
“Um, okay. Where did you want to go?”
“Your place?”
“No that won’t work. My roommate’s cat is sick.”
“Okay my place it is.” He got up, waved at Carl and Luci and headed out. Xoda gave them a wave and followed him.
“And so it begins,” said Carl.
“Shoot, now I feel kind of guilty about this plan.”
“Don’t. They’re grown men, they’ll know what they’re getting into.”
“They? I thought this was a one off so to speak.”
“Don’t nitpick at my words. Now what do you think of that fellow?”
”The one with the blue hair?”
“Yeah that one.”
“I don’t know, how am I supposed to tell from here?”
“Good point,” said Luci. “She probably has to smell him.”
“I have to do what? I’m not a dog you goof.”
“Trust me, it’s a chemistry thang. Walk over to the bar, lean over him and take a good sniff.”
Xoda tried to imagine doing just that and failed. “I’m going to have to take a rain check on that one, captain.”
Luci rolled her eyes. “It’s easy. Watch.” She got up and walked over to the bar. She waved some money over the shoulder of the guy with the blue hair and when the bartender took the cash she leaned over and smelled the neck of Blue Hair. She pointed to her nose with one hand so Xoda would know just exactly what was going on.
“Oh my lord, Carl, your woman is smelling up other men.”
“She’s a hoot, aint she?”
“She is that.” Xoda watched Luci come back to the table with three drinks. She grabbed two away and handed one to Carl. “Well, how was it?”
“A little too much patchouli.”
“Really,” said Carl. “That surprises me. I think of that as a hippy smell, not a punk smell.”
“What’s a punk smell like?”
“That’s not a real good train of thought there darling. Xoda do you like patchouli?”
“Depends on the guy. I knew this one guy at this office and he wore so much of it you could track him through the cubicles with it. It was kind of cool because I always wondered what it was like to be a bloodhound.”
“Go on and smell him and see if you like it,” said Luci.
“Okay, here goes nothing.” Clutching her drink for courage Xoda walked over to the bar and did what Luci had done. Too late she realized that she looked pretty silly waving down the bartender when she had a drink in her hand already. She took a quick sniff as inconspicuously as possible and was surprised by how nice he smelled. Sadly it wasn’t nearly inconspicuous enough and the guy turned to her and smiled.
“Is this a new bar game? Smell the stranger?”
“Yurk,” she said and then wished she could quietly vanish. Into an alternate dimension would be okay with her as long as she wasn’t in this one anymore, looking at this guy’s knowing smile. “Aw come on,” he said. “Please don’t look mortified. I’m Marty.”
“Xodiac.” She held her hand out for him to shake. He had nice hands and a tendril of warmth curled up her arm like a vine stretching to the sun. “Pleased to meet you. Are you going to sing tonight?”
“Sure I am. I was thinking about doing Tiptoe Through the Tulips.” Xoda hadn’t been aware you could choke when you weren’t drinking or eating anything. Marty whacked her on the back a few times. “Are you all right?”
“Yes, I’m fine. You don’t look like the tiptoeing type.”
He grinned and mussed his hair. “It’s the hair, isn’t it? I’m only wearing it like this for a play I’m doing.”
“Oh how cool. What show are you doing?”
“It’s called Spit in Your Eye. It’s off off off Broadway.”
“I guess so since we’re about 200 miles from New York.”
“You got it. I play a disenfranchised youth who turns to music to soothe his pain when his guinea pig meets an untimely death at the jaws of a Rottweiler.”
“How interesting.”
“Naw, it’s no good. I just took it because I need more credits. Are those your friends waving at us?”
“They are. Do you want to come sit with us?”
“Why not.”
#
Xoda watched Marty take the stage. “What do you guys think?”
“It doesn’t matter what we think,” said Luci. “It matters what you think. But I think he’s cute.”
“I’m secure enough in my manhood to say he has a nice ass,” said Carl.
“Well hell, cute and a nice ass, what else is there?”
“He has a nice voice too,” said Luci.
“Then hush up ladies, and let’s hear him use it,” said Carl. They all focused their attention on Marty who was singing Buffalo Soldier with great gusto and a little bit of tune. Luci giggled. Xoda made a hush up face at her.
“Oh poo, he can’t hear me. Don’t worry so much.”
“Huh,” said Carl. “I wouldn’t have figured him for reggae. He doesn’t look the type.”
“Can you imagine blue dreads?”
“Jah would not approve.”
Marty was deep into his song, eyes closed, feeling the pain of the buffalo soldier. Xoda couldn’t figure out how she felt. On the one had it was nice to see someone who felt passionately about their art or hobby or whatever. On the other hand he looked pretty silly. She decided to go with endearing and ignore her negative thoughts. He finished the song with a flourish and blew her a kiss as they clapped. “Ooh,” said Carl. “And you are in his pants, score!”
“You’ve got such a delicate way with words. Now hush, here he comes,” said Xoda. She smiled at Marty who sat down and put his arm around her shoulders. He leaned over and whispered in her ear.
“Want to head out of here?”
“Um, okay. Where did you want to go?”
“Your place?”
“No that won’t work. My roommate’s cat is sick.”
“Okay my place it is.” He got up, waved at Carl and Luci and headed out. Xoda gave them a wave and followed him.
“And so it begins,” said Carl.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Chapter Seven
At the last second Xodiac balked. She looked in the window of the bar and panicked. “No way, this isn’t me, I’m not doing this.”
“Oh come on, at least give it a try,” said Carl.
Luci opened the door and held it until they all walked in. “We’ll leave in a few minutes if you don’t like it. We came all this way though so let’s have a drink before we go home.”
“All right, all right, all right. Come on, let’s sit over there.” They grabbed a table that gave them an excellent view of the bar and the karaoke stage. “Why did it have to be a karaoke bar?” asked Xodiac.
“Because you can learn a lot watching someone sing. Does he have the moves down, is he shy, what song is he singing? You can’t go out and do some guy who sings Tiptoe Through the Tulips now can you?”
”Nobody sings Tiptoe Through the Tulips. Do they? What a nightmarish thought. Xoda are you going to sing?”
“I hadn’t thought about it. Give me a minute to consider the ramifications. Do you value your hearing or your sanity?”
“If I valued my sanity would I really be married to Carl?”
“Good point but really it’s for the greater good of humanity if I don’t sing tonight.”
Carl looked around the room. “See anyone you like?”
“We just got here!”
“First impressions are important. Now what do you like in a man?”
“You mean physically?”
“I don’t mean spiritually. This is all about the physical.”
“I never really thought about it. Race is not really important. I like broad shoulders and big hands. I guess most of all I like confidence. But not that fake stuff where the guy is really insecure and pretending to be all that when he’s really convinced he’s a drip.”
Luci laughed. “Did you just say drip?”
“I did. Don’t start in on my vocabulary Miss My Mother Didn’t Know How to Spell Lucy.”
“Don’t you talk about my momma.”
“All right ladies, time for some ground rules,” said Carl.
“Like what?” asked Luci.
“Like I don’t want some potential freak pestering our lovely Xoda pop girl. You can’t bring him back to your place. It’s got to be his or nothing.”
Luci didn’t think much of that. “Is she safe at his house? Isn’t it better to be on her turf?”
“Gee, I know,” said Xodiac. “Why don’t we just do it on a park bench or in his car? Oh wait, he could drive away with me. Better make it my car.”
“No,” said Carl. “It’s too cold and you’re too old.”
“You’d best explain that too old comment.”
“I just mean you’re not a teenager. You don’t need to be messing around like that when you’ve got the comfort of a bed available.”
“Or a couch,” said Luci with a dreamy look in her eyes. “Maybe a kitchen table. The possibilities indoors are just about endless.”
“As I was saying, you’re going to have to trust your instincts with this guy. You want to feel safe enough to go home with him and you know, get it on and all, but at the same time I don’t think giving him a way to contact you again is a good idea. You should have all the power and control. Get his number if you want but remember you aren’t dating, you’re doing disaster recovery.”
Xoda fluttered her eyelashes as him. “I declare Carl if you aren’t just the soul of romanticism.”
“He does all right.” Luci gave him a squeeze. “Now let him finish pretending to be your big brother.”
“Oh come on, at least give it a try,” said Carl.
Luci opened the door and held it until they all walked in. “We’ll leave in a few minutes if you don’t like it. We came all this way though so let’s have a drink before we go home.”
“All right, all right, all right. Come on, let’s sit over there.” They grabbed a table that gave them an excellent view of the bar and the karaoke stage. “Why did it have to be a karaoke bar?” asked Xodiac.
“Because you can learn a lot watching someone sing. Does he have the moves down, is he shy, what song is he singing? You can’t go out and do some guy who sings Tiptoe Through the Tulips now can you?”
”Nobody sings Tiptoe Through the Tulips. Do they? What a nightmarish thought. Xoda are you going to sing?”
“I hadn’t thought about it. Give me a minute to consider the ramifications. Do you value your hearing or your sanity?”
“If I valued my sanity would I really be married to Carl?”
“Good point but really it’s for the greater good of humanity if I don’t sing tonight.”
Carl looked around the room. “See anyone you like?”
“We just got here!”
“First impressions are important. Now what do you like in a man?”
“You mean physically?”
“I don’t mean spiritually. This is all about the physical.”
“I never really thought about it. Race is not really important. I like broad shoulders and big hands. I guess most of all I like confidence. But not that fake stuff where the guy is really insecure and pretending to be all that when he’s really convinced he’s a drip.”
Luci laughed. “Did you just say drip?”
“I did. Don’t start in on my vocabulary Miss My Mother Didn’t Know How to Spell Lucy.”
“Don’t you talk about my momma.”
“All right ladies, time for some ground rules,” said Carl.
“Like what?” asked Luci.
“Like I don’t want some potential freak pestering our lovely Xoda pop girl. You can’t bring him back to your place. It’s got to be his or nothing.”
Luci didn’t think much of that. “Is she safe at his house? Isn’t it better to be on her turf?”
“Gee, I know,” said Xodiac. “Why don’t we just do it on a park bench or in his car? Oh wait, he could drive away with me. Better make it my car.”
“No,” said Carl. “It’s too cold and you’re too old.”
“You’d best explain that too old comment.”
“I just mean you’re not a teenager. You don’t need to be messing around like that when you’ve got the comfort of a bed available.”
“Or a couch,” said Luci with a dreamy look in her eyes. “Maybe a kitchen table. The possibilities indoors are just about endless.”
“As I was saying, you’re going to have to trust your instincts with this guy. You want to feel safe enough to go home with him and you know, get it on and all, but at the same time I don’t think giving him a way to contact you again is a good idea. You should have all the power and control. Get his number if you want but remember you aren’t dating, you’re doing disaster recovery.”
Xoda fluttered her eyelashes as him. “I declare Carl if you aren’t just the soul of romanticism.”
“He does all right.” Luci gave him a squeeze. “Now let him finish pretending to be your big brother.”
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Chapter Six
Xodiac glared out the window. Clyde was asleep on the couch, all bare chest and arms and absolutely no use at all. A week had gone by and he was no closer to agreeing to fix her home than he had ever been. Meanwhile Luci was adamant that he would be the one and had broken two appointments Xodiac made with potential contractors. “Why bother with the inferior when the best is in my living room?” was her philosophy. Meanwhile Xodiac’s philosophy was leaning towards “If someone doesn’t at least pretend they are going to fix my home soon I’ll go stark raving mad.”
She looked back at her notebook. Dang it, she missed her computer. The notebook was great, she wouldn’t do without one but her computer was her friend. She sighed. It was time to get serious about finding a new profession. She closed her eyes and imagined working as a logger. Nope, that wouldn’t cut it. This was ridiculous. Why was she the only person ever born who didn’t have a calling? She had no desire to run a movie theater or sell jewelry.
She wouldn’t have minded if she was suddenly struck with the urge to become the world’s greatest expert on fake Egyptian Scarabs and how not to get burned buying them on eBay. Anything would be a relief from this quagmire of indecision.
She looked at her list of things to do. 1) Research five professions. 2) Read the want ads. 3) Find someone to fix house without Luci finding out. She drew a line through number three. Of course Luci would find out. How would she not notice the house was fixed? Would she think the renovation fairy had dropped by and left a nice gift?
“What’s wrong?” Clyde was sitting up and stretching. The tangled blanket came perilously close to exposing him. She held her breath, waiting to see if he’d remain covered, not entirely sure which she preferred.
“What could be wrong? Everything is just ducky. I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my belly, the love of good friends and moony in the bank. Don’t I have it better than most of the world?”
“Sure you do. Let’s not talk about the world. Let’s talk about your world. Things are not okay in your world, are they?”
“What was your first clue?”
“You sleeping in my bed when I didn’t invite you was pretty much of a dead giveaway, don’t you think?”
“I’m not following you.”
“Close your eyes.” She did and he got up. From the sounds he was making she guessed he was throwing on some clothes. “No peeking,” he said.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” she said.
“Okay you can open them now.” He was wearing a pair of shorts and a wife beater. They looked like he had bought then years ago at a sale for clothing too ragged to be given to Goodwill. He started folding the blankets and then tossed one end to her. “Make yourself useful.”
It had been years since she had anyone to share the folding chores with. She was overcome by a wave of homesickness, of longing for the time before her mom started making designer drugs when it was just the two of them living a somewhat normal life. She sniffled. Clyde gave her a worried look. She waved him off. “What were you saying about me being in your bed?”
“That was supposed to be my bed. You were in it. Luci and my brother forgot I was coming over. It takes a disaster for anyone to forget that I am on the way. Ergo you had a disaster. That was my first clue. The second clue comes from my study of human nature. I’ve been hearing about you for years. By the way, why have we never met before?”
“I don’t know. It seems strange now that I think about it.”
“We never met before because of your schedule. I blow into town and it happens to be your day for seeing the new exhibit at the Walters so you can’t possibly change your plans and meet me. Or it’s the full moon and that’s when you always take a milk bath. The milk must come from the milk of virgin cows.”
“That’s ridiculous. I don’t think virgin cows can even give milk.”
“But you get my drift. I was too much of a carefree hippy for you. You were too high up in your ivory tower for me. So we never met until now, when I am being forced to be more stable and stay in one place for a long time and you are being forced to be more spontaneous and have no idea where you will end up.”
“Wow,” said Xodiac. “Are you always this philosophical and introspective?”
“Oh yeah, that’s me. So anyway, you want nothing more than to have this perfect life and you’ve been ripped from it and it’s going to play havoc with you for a long time. Is that what’s bothering you or is it something else that I don’t know about?”
“I guess it falls into that category. I’m in the middle of changing just about everything. No more schedules, no more taking pictures of people trying to be what they’re not, no more living in a soulless home. I know what I don’t want but I’m having trouble figuring out what I do want.”
“Hey, at least you are moving in the right direction. What’s for lunch?”
“For you? Why do you even ask? Isn’t peanut butter getting a little old?”
Clyde laughed. “Come on, you know how softhearted Luci is. She’ll start feeling bad for me and she’ll cook me something that will make all this well worth it.”
“Will she now?” Luci had walked into the room and she stood glaring at Clyde. “You think you know me? You don’t know me.”
“Tough girl, huh?”
“If you don’t start on her house you’ll find out just how tough. I’m going to start buying unsalted peanut butter for you, mister. See how you like that.”
“You’re as cute as a button when you’re angry.’ Clyde ruffled her hair on his way to the shower down the hall.
“Oh my God, could be you any more demeaning or sexist? I’m talking to you! Get back here!”
He turned around and smiled at them. “Me sexist? I’m not the one who’s using food as bait to try and get a man to fix a house.” He stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
Luci turned back to Xodiac. “He’s funny, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, in an incredibly annoying way. He gave me some good insight though, I’ll have to give him that. Oh Luci, what am I going to do? I’m starting to get really depressed.”
Luci sat down on the couch beside Xodiac. “It’ll be okay. I promise. Try and enjoy the journey and not be so anxious to get to the destination.”
“I guess.”
“What’s on the agenda for today?”
“The usual. Try and figure out the future. What do you think about going to see a fortune teller? That palm reader you saw seemed to do a good job.”
Luci shook her head. “I don’t think you guys would meld. You have different chemistries. I’m thinking Tarot for you.”
“Not astrology?”
“Mmn, no, definitely not. With your name you should stay away from astrology. Didn’t your horoscope steer you wrong that time we went to the racetrack and you lost 200 dollars on the horse that decided racing wasn’t for him?”
“Pisces’ Dream? The one who went to sleep in the starting gate? Yeah my horoscope let me down big time that day. That reminds me, I wanted to tell you about the dream I had last night.”
Carl walked in and sat next to Luci, putting his arm around her and pulling her close. “I’m all ears.”
“I was at Renn Fair and there was this big parade going on.”
“Gosh I miss the parade at Renn Fest,” said Luci.
“Yeah me too. This parade was going by really fast. Like if you wanted to keep pace with it you had to run. In fact everyone in it was running. The weirdest thing is that some writers were on this big float.”
“We never had floats at Renn Fair,” said Luci.
“How did you know they were writers?” asked Carl.
“Because I like their work, I know what they look like. In my dream they were friends of mine. They were really happy I was there to watch them. Then I was talking to this court of women because I wanted money from the queen. I was saying I need it to build, and here they said a construction, and I said no a construct and then as I walked away I said I meant a consort. I thought it was really funny, that little play on words. I woke up laughing but now I don’t know why it was so funny.”
“So that was it?”
“No, I went back to sleep again. I was still at the Fair. I found this beautiful man lying in the grass and I lay down next to him, feeling drunk and asked him if he happens to be looking for a woman who looks and here he said just like you?”
“Ooh how romantic!” said Luci.
“And I said no, a lot like me would be just fine.”
“What did he say?”
“He laughed and touched my bottom lip and said no and I nodded and I closed my eyes because I was suddenly going to cry and he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing and he touched my lip again and said now pish posh that is twice you said something untrue.”
There was a silence for a moment and then Luci asked “what happened next?”
“I don’t know. That’s all I remember.”
“Damn girl,” said Clyde. “You’re even getting rejected in your sleep. You need to go out and get laid. Forget this dating stuff. How long has it been? No don’t tell me.” He put his hands over his ears and said “okay, now tell me. How long?”
“Three years.” Xodiac blushed as Clyde walked into the room and did a double take at her answer. She couldn’t look at him.
“Jumping jubilee, this is an emergency. You need to go right now and get laid. I don’t know how you made it this long.”
“No it’s not,” said Clyde. “You’re an idiot. She has a perfect right to be celibate as long as she wants.”
Xodiac put her head under the throw pillow. What a mortifying conversation. Clyde said “She also has a perfect right to go out and get some. Why should she deny herself?”
“If she wants to she will. Why would you push her to something like this?”
“Because she needs a good push. Look at her, she’s beautiful, she’s sexy, she’s smart, she’s playful and she’s going to waste. It’s a goddamn shame is what it is.”
“She’s too sweet for this. Leave her alone.”
“What?” said Xodiac. “Too sweet? What does that mean?”
“It means what it means. You aren’t the type to go find some action just to get some. I bet you’re the type that has to be in love.”
“Are you saying that because I’m a woman?”
“I’m saying it because it’s obvious. Look at yourself.”
Xodiac wasn’t entirely sure what he was trying to say. She only knew she felt worse and worse with every word he said. She could too go find a man if she wanted to. She just hadn’t wanted to.
“Oh hush up,” said Carl. “She said she needs a drastic change. What better way to get one? She can find a guy to date later. I’m telling you this is a certified medical emergency. I’m going to write you a prescription. Dr. Clyde says take one orgasm before bedtime.”
“Stop it,” said Luci. “Stop fighting over her.”
“Whatever, Dr. Clyde, she is far too innocent to degrade herself in the manner you suggest.”
“Degrade myself? Since when is a healthy affair degrading? Keep your judgments to yourself. All right Clyde, I’ll try.”
“Damn right you will. Now none of that fussing over whether or not he brings you the right kind of flowers. It’s too late for all that. He needs to agree to wear a condom and he needs to shave. That’s it.”
“Good grief,” said Luci. “Those are the lowest standards I’ve ever heard in my life. Talk about a bare minimum.”
Carl looked at the grandfather clock. “You’ve got until 7:22. I’m taking you to a bar tonight and you’re going to hook up. This is going to be great.”
“It’s going to be a disaster, mark my words,” said Clyde.
“I don’t know,” said Luci. “It could be fun.”
She looked back at her notebook. Dang it, she missed her computer. The notebook was great, she wouldn’t do without one but her computer was her friend. She sighed. It was time to get serious about finding a new profession. She closed her eyes and imagined working as a logger. Nope, that wouldn’t cut it. This was ridiculous. Why was she the only person ever born who didn’t have a calling? She had no desire to run a movie theater or sell jewelry.
She wouldn’t have minded if she was suddenly struck with the urge to become the world’s greatest expert on fake Egyptian Scarabs and how not to get burned buying them on eBay. Anything would be a relief from this quagmire of indecision.
She looked at her list of things to do. 1) Research five professions. 2) Read the want ads. 3) Find someone to fix house without Luci finding out. She drew a line through number three. Of course Luci would find out. How would she not notice the house was fixed? Would she think the renovation fairy had dropped by and left a nice gift?
“What’s wrong?” Clyde was sitting up and stretching. The tangled blanket came perilously close to exposing him. She held her breath, waiting to see if he’d remain covered, not entirely sure which she preferred.
“What could be wrong? Everything is just ducky. I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my belly, the love of good friends and moony in the bank. Don’t I have it better than most of the world?”
“Sure you do. Let’s not talk about the world. Let’s talk about your world. Things are not okay in your world, are they?”
“What was your first clue?”
“You sleeping in my bed when I didn’t invite you was pretty much of a dead giveaway, don’t you think?”
“I’m not following you.”
“Close your eyes.” She did and he got up. From the sounds he was making she guessed he was throwing on some clothes. “No peeking,” he said.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” she said.
“Okay you can open them now.” He was wearing a pair of shorts and a wife beater. They looked like he had bought then years ago at a sale for clothing too ragged to be given to Goodwill. He started folding the blankets and then tossed one end to her. “Make yourself useful.”
It had been years since she had anyone to share the folding chores with. She was overcome by a wave of homesickness, of longing for the time before her mom started making designer drugs when it was just the two of them living a somewhat normal life. She sniffled. Clyde gave her a worried look. She waved him off. “What were you saying about me being in your bed?”
“That was supposed to be my bed. You were in it. Luci and my brother forgot I was coming over. It takes a disaster for anyone to forget that I am on the way. Ergo you had a disaster. That was my first clue. The second clue comes from my study of human nature. I’ve been hearing about you for years. By the way, why have we never met before?”
“I don’t know. It seems strange now that I think about it.”
“We never met before because of your schedule. I blow into town and it happens to be your day for seeing the new exhibit at the Walters so you can’t possibly change your plans and meet me. Or it’s the full moon and that’s when you always take a milk bath. The milk must come from the milk of virgin cows.”
“That’s ridiculous. I don’t think virgin cows can even give milk.”
“But you get my drift. I was too much of a carefree hippy for you. You were too high up in your ivory tower for me. So we never met until now, when I am being forced to be more stable and stay in one place for a long time and you are being forced to be more spontaneous and have no idea where you will end up.”
“Wow,” said Xodiac. “Are you always this philosophical and introspective?”
“Oh yeah, that’s me. So anyway, you want nothing more than to have this perfect life and you’ve been ripped from it and it’s going to play havoc with you for a long time. Is that what’s bothering you or is it something else that I don’t know about?”
“I guess it falls into that category. I’m in the middle of changing just about everything. No more schedules, no more taking pictures of people trying to be what they’re not, no more living in a soulless home. I know what I don’t want but I’m having trouble figuring out what I do want.”
“Hey, at least you are moving in the right direction. What’s for lunch?”
“For you? Why do you even ask? Isn’t peanut butter getting a little old?”
Clyde laughed. “Come on, you know how softhearted Luci is. She’ll start feeling bad for me and she’ll cook me something that will make all this well worth it.”
“Will she now?” Luci had walked into the room and she stood glaring at Clyde. “You think you know me? You don’t know me.”
“Tough girl, huh?”
“If you don’t start on her house you’ll find out just how tough. I’m going to start buying unsalted peanut butter for you, mister. See how you like that.”
“You’re as cute as a button when you’re angry.’ Clyde ruffled her hair on his way to the shower down the hall.
“Oh my God, could be you any more demeaning or sexist? I’m talking to you! Get back here!”
He turned around and smiled at them. “Me sexist? I’m not the one who’s using food as bait to try and get a man to fix a house.” He stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
Luci turned back to Xodiac. “He’s funny, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, in an incredibly annoying way. He gave me some good insight though, I’ll have to give him that. Oh Luci, what am I going to do? I’m starting to get really depressed.”
Luci sat down on the couch beside Xodiac. “It’ll be okay. I promise. Try and enjoy the journey and not be so anxious to get to the destination.”
“I guess.”
“What’s on the agenda for today?”
“The usual. Try and figure out the future. What do you think about going to see a fortune teller? That palm reader you saw seemed to do a good job.”
Luci shook her head. “I don’t think you guys would meld. You have different chemistries. I’m thinking Tarot for you.”
“Not astrology?”
“Mmn, no, definitely not. With your name you should stay away from astrology. Didn’t your horoscope steer you wrong that time we went to the racetrack and you lost 200 dollars on the horse that decided racing wasn’t for him?”
“Pisces’ Dream? The one who went to sleep in the starting gate? Yeah my horoscope let me down big time that day. That reminds me, I wanted to tell you about the dream I had last night.”
Carl walked in and sat next to Luci, putting his arm around her and pulling her close. “I’m all ears.”
“I was at Renn Fair and there was this big parade going on.”
“Gosh I miss the parade at Renn Fest,” said Luci.
“Yeah me too. This parade was going by really fast. Like if you wanted to keep pace with it you had to run. In fact everyone in it was running. The weirdest thing is that some writers were on this big float.”
“We never had floats at Renn Fair,” said Luci.
“How did you know they were writers?” asked Carl.
“Because I like their work, I know what they look like. In my dream they were friends of mine. They were really happy I was there to watch them. Then I was talking to this court of women because I wanted money from the queen. I was saying I need it to build, and here they said a construction, and I said no a construct and then as I walked away I said I meant a consort. I thought it was really funny, that little play on words. I woke up laughing but now I don’t know why it was so funny.”
“So that was it?”
“No, I went back to sleep again. I was still at the Fair. I found this beautiful man lying in the grass and I lay down next to him, feeling drunk and asked him if he happens to be looking for a woman who looks and here he said just like you?”
“Ooh how romantic!” said Luci.
“And I said no, a lot like me would be just fine.”
“What did he say?”
“He laughed and touched my bottom lip and said no and I nodded and I closed my eyes because I was suddenly going to cry and he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing and he touched my lip again and said now pish posh that is twice you said something untrue.”
There was a silence for a moment and then Luci asked “what happened next?”
“I don’t know. That’s all I remember.”
“Damn girl,” said Clyde. “You’re even getting rejected in your sleep. You need to go out and get laid. Forget this dating stuff. How long has it been? No don’t tell me.” He put his hands over his ears and said “okay, now tell me. How long?”
“Three years.” Xodiac blushed as Clyde walked into the room and did a double take at her answer. She couldn’t look at him.
“Jumping jubilee, this is an emergency. You need to go right now and get laid. I don’t know how you made it this long.”
“No it’s not,” said Clyde. “You’re an idiot. She has a perfect right to be celibate as long as she wants.”
Xodiac put her head under the throw pillow. What a mortifying conversation. Clyde said “She also has a perfect right to go out and get some. Why should she deny herself?”
“If she wants to she will. Why would you push her to something like this?”
“Because she needs a good push. Look at her, she’s beautiful, she’s sexy, she’s smart, she’s playful and she’s going to waste. It’s a goddamn shame is what it is.”
“She’s too sweet for this. Leave her alone.”
“What?” said Xodiac. “Too sweet? What does that mean?”
“It means what it means. You aren’t the type to go find some action just to get some. I bet you’re the type that has to be in love.”
“Are you saying that because I’m a woman?”
“I’m saying it because it’s obvious. Look at yourself.”
Xodiac wasn’t entirely sure what he was trying to say. She only knew she felt worse and worse with every word he said. She could too go find a man if she wanted to. She just hadn’t wanted to.
“Oh hush up,” said Carl. “She said she needs a drastic change. What better way to get one? She can find a guy to date later. I’m telling you this is a certified medical emergency. I’m going to write you a prescription. Dr. Clyde says take one orgasm before bedtime.”
“Stop it,” said Luci. “Stop fighting over her.”
“Whatever, Dr. Clyde, she is far too innocent to degrade herself in the manner you suggest.”
“Degrade myself? Since when is a healthy affair degrading? Keep your judgments to yourself. All right Clyde, I’ll try.”
“Damn right you will. Now none of that fussing over whether or not he brings you the right kind of flowers. It’s too late for all that. He needs to agree to wear a condom and he needs to shave. That’s it.”
“Good grief,” said Luci. “Those are the lowest standards I’ve ever heard in my life. Talk about a bare minimum.”
Carl looked at the grandfather clock. “You’ve got until 7:22. I’m taking you to a bar tonight and you’re going to hook up. This is going to be great.”
“It’s going to be a disaster, mark my words,” said Clyde.
“I don’t know,” said Luci. “It could be fun.”
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Chapter Five
Xodiac was dreaming that she was lying on a balcony next to her one true love. He was telling her a story that was terribly funny and terribly wise all at the same time. She felt entirely happy, free and safe. Part of her wanted to turn and look at this man and see what he looked like and part of her was afraid to do anything that might make him vanish. She had a very strong sense that he wanted to stay but some force might come drag him away at any moment.
He reached over and took her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it. A shiver ran through her and she turned to him, not caring what happened next and then a loud roaring sound came out of nowhere and the balcony started to shake. Earthquake she thought and then her eyes snapped open and she was staring into the unshaven face of some angry guy she didn’t know who was telling her to get out. In her panic and confusion she flailed at him and socked him in the ear. He grabbed her wrist and scowled at her.
“What the hell is wrong with you? First you want me to get in bed with you and then you hit me. You’re some screwed up, crazy chick!”
“I’m not,” she protested. “I’m not crazy and I’m not a chick.”
“Sure you’re crazy, totally loony tunes. Are you trying to tell me you’re a guy under that nightie? You sure don’t look it.”
“I’m a woman, not a chick. Who asked you to look anyway? I mean what the hell are you doing in here? Get out or I scream. Oh forget that, I’m screaming.” She let out a scream that should have brought everyone from within five miles.
“Oh that’s good. You must watch a lot of B movies. Very nice. Now get out of my room, I’m tired and I’ve had a hard day.” He shucked his shirt and threw it at her. She shrieked again and threw it back.
“Ewww, don’t you throw your nasty smelly sweaty things at me.” She took a deep breath and rallied. “This is my room, your day can’t possibly have been as hard as mine and, and, and, I don’t have to explain to you, get out!”
The door opened and Carl and Luci came in. Carl laughed. “I see you’ve met Clyde. This is rich. How’d you get his shirt off so fast Xodiac? For that matter why did you scream? You’ve got him right where you want him.”
“I do not! I want him in the Afghanistan! He’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met! What exactly is he doing in my room?”
“Oops sorry,” said Luci. “I forgot he was moving in tonight. What with all the excitement and everything. Clyde, an angry fat girl shot up Xodiac’s apartment after she said she had a fat ass.”
Clyde looked at Xodiac with interest. “You don’t look like you have a fat ass. Stand up.”
“Shut up! I don’t have a fat ass. That’s not really what happened. There were these two guys that were going to kill me but they didn’t like their names and then oh forget it. I’m sleeping on the couch.” She grabbed her pillow and blanket and exited with great dignity.
Clyde laughed. “Don’t forget your teddy bear.” He threw it so it hit her in the back of the head. She turned around and threw her pillow at him.
“All right kids, that’s enough for the night. Come on Clyde, the couch has your name on it. Go back to bed Xod and we’ll work something out tomorrow.” Carl pushed Clyde out of the room, waiting until Luci had left and winked at Xodiac. “Don’t worry, the door does lock.”
“Oh like that’s stopped anyone tonight! I feel real safe, not.” She threw herself back on the bed and clutched her bear. She could hear them all talking in the living room and for a moment she felt left out.
#
“Shh,” said Luci. She handed Xodiac a cup of coffee. “Clyde is still asleep. Don’t wake him.”
“Why should I? He wasn’t exactly considerate of my sleep. Besides it’s 7:30 already. Why isn’t he up? What kind of schedule does he keep?”
“He doesn’t. He’s pretty happy go lucky. Since he works for himself he works when he wants to. I say more power to him.”
“I say he’s a lazy fool. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins you know.”
“Really? I thought it was a slow arboreal edentate mammal.”
“It is.” said Xodiac. “Funny how God made the sloth and then declared them a deadly sin.”
“Maybe it’s the only way they can be deadly. They aren’t exactly dangerous.”
“Unless you’re a tree or a leaf or something.” She could feel the coffee doing its stuff. She put her cup down and started doing stretches.
“What are your plans for the day?” asked Luci.
“Go look at my house and see if it’s livable. Want to go with?”
“Sure. Do you think there’ll be crime tape?”
“If you’re lucky.”
“I’d better come with you,” said a deep growly voice that reminded Xodiac of a bear that really should be hibernating. “Lord knows you flighty females won’t know structural damage if it falls on your head.”
“Oh no, you are not coming with us,” said Xodiac. “I’d rather kiss a toad. I might get warts but he wouldn’t dare call me a flighty female.”
Luci laughed. “He’s just trying to get your goat. Don’t take him so seriously.”
“I’m not taking him at all. Either he goes or I do.”
Clyde walked into the kitchen and took a cup of coffee from Luci. “Thanks darling. I’ll strike a deal with you, Z.”
“Z?”
“Isn’t your name Zodiac?”
“Yes, but it’s spelt with an X.”
“Huh. Well I can’t call you X that sounds ridiculous so Z it is. If you don’t put up a fuss over me coming with you then I’ll never call you a flighty female again. Deal?”
“You’re impossible.”
“Say yes,” said Luci. “What have you got to lose? He’s good at his job.”
“Job?” said Clyde. “I beg to differ. It’s my life’s work. Everything I do is a piece of art straight from my heart.”
“Oh brother,” said Xodiac. “All right you can come along if you just shut up.”
“Absolutely. You won’t hear another word from me. I’ll be so quiet you’ll wonder if I’ve become a mute. I’ll be quieter than the Sphinx. I’ll make monks that have taken a vow of silence look like chatterboxes. Nobody on the planet will be any more silent than I.”
#
“Structural damage? How can you possibly know that?” Xodiac felt like she was going to cry.
“How do you know when to snap your pictures? It’s what I do.” Clyde said. He was making notes in a little beat up leather notebook. “Whoever you get to fix this place up will agree with me if they’re any good. Let me know who you pick and I’ll check them out for you.”
“On no way,” said Luci. “You’re doing the job. We’re not handing our best friend off to some fly by night company. Only the best for our Xoda pop girl.”
Clyde didn’t even look at them. He kept on looking at things and making arcane notations in his book. “Nope I’ve got my plate full with my own project. Ten years it took me to save up to buy that old Hoskin’s place and now I bury myself in the pleasure of bringing it back to life. No offense Z but your house is a piece of junk cardboard cookie cutter thing made by someone with his eye on the dollar. It has no soul.”
“Gee” said Xodiac, “how could I possibly find that offensive?”
“I didn’t think you could but you never know with women.”
“Luci how could your husband have such a horrible, sexist twerp of a brother?”
Clyde looked astonished. “We don’t have any other brothers. What are you talking about?”
Luci stood with arms akimbo. “You are going to fix her house or I won’t cook for you anymore.”
Clyde looked skeptical. “You wouldn’t be so cruel. You don’t have it in you.”
“Don’t I?”
He grabbed her around the waist and bent her over his arm, nibbling on her neck. “You love to watch me eat. You love my gusto, my delight in the tastes you explode in my mouth, the expression of pure bliss I get on my face.”
Xodiac was dismayed to feel a little left out. She wouldn’t have minded if this crazy stranger with the broad chest and the strong arms nuzzled her neck like that. After all her body didn’t know she couldn’t stand the guy, her nerve endings still worked just fine and he looked like he knew how to work them. Luci broke the spell by shoving Clyde away. “Behave yourself. Now I mean it. You can eat good food and give Xoda a beautiful home or you can work all day long at your house and come home and eat dog food because you’re acting like a no good selfish dog.”
Clyde chuckled. “I’m so scared I’m shaking.”
“How soon can you start?”
“I’m starting on my place today so we need to get out of here.” He put his notebook away and headed for the door. Xodiac stared after him in shock. That was it? He was done?
“Don’t worry,” said Luci. “He’ll come around when he smells dinner. Do you need to get anything or did you get enough stuff last night?”
“I don’t know, let me take a look.”
“Be careful. I don’t like what Clyde said about structural damage.”
“I don’t know Luci, do you think my insurance will pay? Doesn’t this count as an act of war or a natural disaster or something?”
#
“How’s the salad coming along?” asked Luci.
“It’s fine. It’s too simple for me to flub up. Now if you let me make the dressing we might be in trouble,” said Xodiac. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”
“I guess you’d have to,” said Carl who was busy setting the table. “It would be pretty hard to just pretend nothing happened.”
“Not to mention unhealthy,” said Luci.
“I’m giving up my scheduling.”
“Oh no, I thought we decided that was a bad idea. It’s your whole support system!”
“It’s more like a crutch for me. I took it too far and became so predictable that I became a danger to myself.”
“Stop that,” said Carl. “The only danger to you was those goons. Maybe you made it a little easier for them but I’m sure they would have found another way to get to you. And you sure didn’t do anything to attract them in the first place. That was all your crazy mother.”
“He’s right,” said Luci.
“Maybe but I’m going to change everything anyway.”
“Maybe you should change just a couple of things. We could go to Weird Wally’s for lunch this week.”
“Oh hell no, I am not eating anywhere with the name Weird in it,” said Luci.
Carl wiggled his eyebrows at her, “I hear they wear interesting uniforms there.” Luci looked at him blankly while Xodiac giggled. “You know, weird? Kinky, woman, I’m talking about crazy sex stuff!”
“Damn it, you’re talking about crazy sex stuff without me?” Clyde tossed his keys onto the coffee table and took an appreciative sniff. “Smells wonderful. What’s for dinner?”
“We’re having Snapper Vera Cruz, wild rice, broccoli, salad and rice pudding for dessert. We’re also having a rather nice Pinot Noir. You’re having peanut butter on white bread, hold the jam.” Luci handed him a plate with a desiccated sandwich with forlorn, curling crusts. “Bon appetit.”
“Very funny.”
“It is funny,” said Carl. “But she’s dead serious. Gastronomically speaking, it’s a bad idea to disappoint Luci.”
“If you think you can make me take on a project I’ll hate just to eat your food you are sadly mistaken. I have will power like you wouldn’t believe.” Clyde took the plate and sat down at the table.
“Aren’t you going to wash your hands?” asked Xodiac. She smiled at him sweetly when he glared at her. “You might want this.” She handed him a can of Natty Bo. “To go with your supper.”
“I don’t think so,” he said, getting the milk out of the refrigerator. “Isn’t milk the traditional beverage for this particular entrée?”
“Natty Bo is the milk of life to many an underage drinker,” said Carl. “Are we ready to say grace?”
He reached over and took her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it. A shiver ran through her and she turned to him, not caring what happened next and then a loud roaring sound came out of nowhere and the balcony started to shake. Earthquake she thought and then her eyes snapped open and she was staring into the unshaven face of some angry guy she didn’t know who was telling her to get out. In her panic and confusion she flailed at him and socked him in the ear. He grabbed her wrist and scowled at her.
“What the hell is wrong with you? First you want me to get in bed with you and then you hit me. You’re some screwed up, crazy chick!”
“I’m not,” she protested. “I’m not crazy and I’m not a chick.”
“Sure you’re crazy, totally loony tunes. Are you trying to tell me you’re a guy under that nightie? You sure don’t look it.”
“I’m a woman, not a chick. Who asked you to look anyway? I mean what the hell are you doing in here? Get out or I scream. Oh forget that, I’m screaming.” She let out a scream that should have brought everyone from within five miles.
“Oh that’s good. You must watch a lot of B movies. Very nice. Now get out of my room, I’m tired and I’ve had a hard day.” He shucked his shirt and threw it at her. She shrieked again and threw it back.
“Ewww, don’t you throw your nasty smelly sweaty things at me.” She took a deep breath and rallied. “This is my room, your day can’t possibly have been as hard as mine and, and, and, I don’t have to explain to you, get out!”
The door opened and Carl and Luci came in. Carl laughed. “I see you’ve met Clyde. This is rich. How’d you get his shirt off so fast Xodiac? For that matter why did you scream? You’ve got him right where you want him.”
“I do not! I want him in the Afghanistan! He’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met! What exactly is he doing in my room?”
“Oops sorry,” said Luci. “I forgot he was moving in tonight. What with all the excitement and everything. Clyde, an angry fat girl shot up Xodiac’s apartment after she said she had a fat ass.”
Clyde looked at Xodiac with interest. “You don’t look like you have a fat ass. Stand up.”
“Shut up! I don’t have a fat ass. That’s not really what happened. There were these two guys that were going to kill me but they didn’t like their names and then oh forget it. I’m sleeping on the couch.” She grabbed her pillow and blanket and exited with great dignity.
Clyde laughed. “Don’t forget your teddy bear.” He threw it so it hit her in the back of the head. She turned around and threw her pillow at him.
“All right kids, that’s enough for the night. Come on Clyde, the couch has your name on it. Go back to bed Xod and we’ll work something out tomorrow.” Carl pushed Clyde out of the room, waiting until Luci had left and winked at Xodiac. “Don’t worry, the door does lock.”
“Oh like that’s stopped anyone tonight! I feel real safe, not.” She threw herself back on the bed and clutched her bear. She could hear them all talking in the living room and for a moment she felt left out.
#
“Shh,” said Luci. She handed Xodiac a cup of coffee. “Clyde is still asleep. Don’t wake him.”
“Why should I? He wasn’t exactly considerate of my sleep. Besides it’s 7:30 already. Why isn’t he up? What kind of schedule does he keep?”
“He doesn’t. He’s pretty happy go lucky. Since he works for himself he works when he wants to. I say more power to him.”
“I say he’s a lazy fool. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins you know.”
“Really? I thought it was a slow arboreal edentate mammal.”
“It is.” said Xodiac. “Funny how God made the sloth and then declared them a deadly sin.”
“Maybe it’s the only way they can be deadly. They aren’t exactly dangerous.”
“Unless you’re a tree or a leaf or something.” She could feel the coffee doing its stuff. She put her cup down and started doing stretches.
“What are your plans for the day?” asked Luci.
“Go look at my house and see if it’s livable. Want to go with?”
“Sure. Do you think there’ll be crime tape?”
“If you’re lucky.”
“I’d better come with you,” said a deep growly voice that reminded Xodiac of a bear that really should be hibernating. “Lord knows you flighty females won’t know structural damage if it falls on your head.”
“Oh no, you are not coming with us,” said Xodiac. “I’d rather kiss a toad. I might get warts but he wouldn’t dare call me a flighty female.”
Luci laughed. “He’s just trying to get your goat. Don’t take him so seriously.”
“I’m not taking him at all. Either he goes or I do.”
Clyde walked into the kitchen and took a cup of coffee from Luci. “Thanks darling. I’ll strike a deal with you, Z.”
“Z?”
“Isn’t your name Zodiac?”
“Yes, but it’s spelt with an X.”
“Huh. Well I can’t call you X that sounds ridiculous so Z it is. If you don’t put up a fuss over me coming with you then I’ll never call you a flighty female again. Deal?”
“You’re impossible.”
“Say yes,” said Luci. “What have you got to lose? He’s good at his job.”
“Job?” said Clyde. “I beg to differ. It’s my life’s work. Everything I do is a piece of art straight from my heart.”
“Oh brother,” said Xodiac. “All right you can come along if you just shut up.”
“Absolutely. You won’t hear another word from me. I’ll be so quiet you’ll wonder if I’ve become a mute. I’ll be quieter than the Sphinx. I’ll make monks that have taken a vow of silence look like chatterboxes. Nobody on the planet will be any more silent than I.”
#
“Structural damage? How can you possibly know that?” Xodiac felt like she was going to cry.
“How do you know when to snap your pictures? It’s what I do.” Clyde said. He was making notes in a little beat up leather notebook. “Whoever you get to fix this place up will agree with me if they’re any good. Let me know who you pick and I’ll check them out for you.”
“On no way,” said Luci. “You’re doing the job. We’re not handing our best friend off to some fly by night company. Only the best for our Xoda pop girl.”
Clyde didn’t even look at them. He kept on looking at things and making arcane notations in his book. “Nope I’ve got my plate full with my own project. Ten years it took me to save up to buy that old Hoskin’s place and now I bury myself in the pleasure of bringing it back to life. No offense Z but your house is a piece of junk cardboard cookie cutter thing made by someone with his eye on the dollar. It has no soul.”
“Gee” said Xodiac, “how could I possibly find that offensive?”
“I didn’t think you could but you never know with women.”
“Luci how could your husband have such a horrible, sexist twerp of a brother?”
Clyde looked astonished. “We don’t have any other brothers. What are you talking about?”
Luci stood with arms akimbo. “You are going to fix her house or I won’t cook for you anymore.”
Clyde looked skeptical. “You wouldn’t be so cruel. You don’t have it in you.”
“Don’t I?”
He grabbed her around the waist and bent her over his arm, nibbling on her neck. “You love to watch me eat. You love my gusto, my delight in the tastes you explode in my mouth, the expression of pure bliss I get on my face.”
Xodiac was dismayed to feel a little left out. She wouldn’t have minded if this crazy stranger with the broad chest and the strong arms nuzzled her neck like that. After all her body didn’t know she couldn’t stand the guy, her nerve endings still worked just fine and he looked like he knew how to work them. Luci broke the spell by shoving Clyde away. “Behave yourself. Now I mean it. You can eat good food and give Xoda a beautiful home or you can work all day long at your house and come home and eat dog food because you’re acting like a no good selfish dog.”
Clyde chuckled. “I’m so scared I’m shaking.”
“How soon can you start?”
“I’m starting on my place today so we need to get out of here.” He put his notebook away and headed for the door. Xodiac stared after him in shock. That was it? He was done?
“Don’t worry,” said Luci. “He’ll come around when he smells dinner. Do you need to get anything or did you get enough stuff last night?”
“I don’t know, let me take a look.”
“Be careful. I don’t like what Clyde said about structural damage.”
“I don’t know Luci, do you think my insurance will pay? Doesn’t this count as an act of war or a natural disaster or something?”
#
“How’s the salad coming along?” asked Luci.
“It’s fine. It’s too simple for me to flub up. Now if you let me make the dressing we might be in trouble,” said Xodiac. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”
“I guess you’d have to,” said Carl who was busy setting the table. “It would be pretty hard to just pretend nothing happened.”
“Not to mention unhealthy,” said Luci.
“I’m giving up my scheduling.”
“Oh no, I thought we decided that was a bad idea. It’s your whole support system!”
“It’s more like a crutch for me. I took it too far and became so predictable that I became a danger to myself.”
“Stop that,” said Carl. “The only danger to you was those goons. Maybe you made it a little easier for them but I’m sure they would have found another way to get to you. And you sure didn’t do anything to attract them in the first place. That was all your crazy mother.”
“He’s right,” said Luci.
“Maybe but I’m going to change everything anyway.”
“Maybe you should change just a couple of things. We could go to Weird Wally’s for lunch this week.”
“Oh hell no, I am not eating anywhere with the name Weird in it,” said Luci.
Carl wiggled his eyebrows at her, “I hear they wear interesting uniforms there.” Luci looked at him blankly while Xodiac giggled. “You know, weird? Kinky, woman, I’m talking about crazy sex stuff!”
“Damn it, you’re talking about crazy sex stuff without me?” Clyde tossed his keys onto the coffee table and took an appreciative sniff. “Smells wonderful. What’s for dinner?”
“We’re having Snapper Vera Cruz, wild rice, broccoli, salad and rice pudding for dessert. We’re also having a rather nice Pinot Noir. You’re having peanut butter on white bread, hold the jam.” Luci handed him a plate with a desiccated sandwich with forlorn, curling crusts. “Bon appetit.”
“Very funny.”
“It is funny,” said Carl. “But she’s dead serious. Gastronomically speaking, it’s a bad idea to disappoint Luci.”
“If you think you can make me take on a project I’ll hate just to eat your food you are sadly mistaken. I have will power like you wouldn’t believe.” Clyde took the plate and sat down at the table.
“Aren’t you going to wash your hands?” asked Xodiac. She smiled at him sweetly when he glared at her. “You might want this.” She handed him a can of Natty Bo. “To go with your supper.”
“I don’t think so,” he said, getting the milk out of the refrigerator. “Isn’t milk the traditional beverage for this particular entrée?”
“Natty Bo is the milk of life to many an underage drinker,” said Carl. “Are we ready to say grace?”
Friday, November 05, 2004
Chapter Four
Xodiac was dreaming that she was lying on a balcony next to her one true love. He was telling her a story that was terribly funny and terribly wise all at the same time. She felt entirely happy, free and safe. Part of her wanted to turn and look at this man and see what he looked like and part of her was afraid to do anything that might make him vanish. She had a very strong sense that he wanted to stay but some force might come drag him away at any moment.
He reached over and took her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it. A shiver ran through her and she turned to him, not caring what happened next and then a loud roaring sound came out of nowhere and the balcony started to shake. Earthquake she thought and then her eyes snapped open and she was staring into the unshaven face of some angry guy she didn’t know who was telling her to get out. In her panic and confusion she flailed at him and socked him in the ear. He grabbed her wrist and scowled at her.
“What the hell is wrong with you? First you want me to get in bed with you and then you hit me. You’re some screwed up, crazy chick!”
“I’m not,” she protested. “I’m not crazy and I’m not a chick.”
“Sure you’re crazy, totally loony tunes. Are you trying to tell me you’re a guy under that nightie? You sure don’t look it.”
“I’m a woman, not a chick. Who asked you to look anyway? I mean what the hell are you doing in here? Get out or I scream. Oh forget that, I’m screaming.” She let out a scream that should have brought everyone from within five miles.
“Oh that’s good. You must watch a lot of B movies. Very nice. Now get out of my room, I’m tired and I’ve had a hard day.” He shucked his shirt and threw it at her. She shrieked again and threw it back.
“Ewww, don’t you throw your nasty smelly sweaty things at me.” She took a deep breath and rallied. “This is my room, your day can’t possibly have been as hard as mine and, and, and, I don’t have to explain to you, get out!”
The door opened and Carl and Luci came in. Carl laughed. “I see you’ve met Clyde. This is rich. How’d you get his shirt off so fast Xodiac? For that matter why did you scream? You’ve got him right where you want him.”
“I do not! I want him in the Afghanistan! He’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met! What exactly is he doing in my room?”
“Oops sorry,” said Luci. “I forgot he was moving in tonight. What with all the excitement and everything. Clyde, an angry fat girl shot up Xodiac’s apartment after she said she had a fat ass.”
Clyde looked at Xodiac with interest. “You don’t look like you have a fat ass. Stand up.”
“Shut up! I don’t have a fat ass. That’s not really what happened. There were these two guys that were going to kill me but they didn’t like their names and then oh forget it. I’m sleeping on the couch.” She grabbed her pillow and blanket and exited with great dignity.
Clyde laughed. “Don’t forget your teddy bear.” He threw it so it hit her in the back of the head. She turned around and threw her pillow at him.
“All right kids, that’s enough for the night. Come on Clyde, the couch has your name on it. Go back to bed Xod and we’ll work something out tomorrow.” Carl pushed Clyde out of the room, waiting until Luci had left and winked at Xodiac. “Don’t worry, the door does lock.”
“Oh like that’s stopped anyone tonight! I feel real safe, not.” She threw herself back on the bed and clutched her bear. She could hear them all talking in the living room and for a moment she felt left out.
He reached over and took her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it. A shiver ran through her and she turned to him, not caring what happened next and then a loud roaring sound came out of nowhere and the balcony started to shake. Earthquake she thought and then her eyes snapped open and she was staring into the unshaven face of some angry guy she didn’t know who was telling her to get out. In her panic and confusion she flailed at him and socked him in the ear. He grabbed her wrist and scowled at her.
“What the hell is wrong with you? First you want me to get in bed with you and then you hit me. You’re some screwed up, crazy chick!”
“I’m not,” she protested. “I’m not crazy and I’m not a chick.”
“Sure you’re crazy, totally loony tunes. Are you trying to tell me you’re a guy under that nightie? You sure don’t look it.”
“I’m a woman, not a chick. Who asked you to look anyway? I mean what the hell are you doing in here? Get out or I scream. Oh forget that, I’m screaming.” She let out a scream that should have brought everyone from within five miles.
“Oh that’s good. You must watch a lot of B movies. Very nice. Now get out of my room, I’m tired and I’ve had a hard day.” He shucked his shirt and threw it at her. She shrieked again and threw it back.
“Ewww, don’t you throw your nasty smelly sweaty things at me.” She took a deep breath and rallied. “This is my room, your day can’t possibly have been as hard as mine and, and, and, I don’t have to explain to you, get out!”
The door opened and Carl and Luci came in. Carl laughed. “I see you’ve met Clyde. This is rich. How’d you get his shirt off so fast Xodiac? For that matter why did you scream? You’ve got him right where you want him.”
“I do not! I want him in the Afghanistan! He’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met! What exactly is he doing in my room?”
“Oops sorry,” said Luci. “I forgot he was moving in tonight. What with all the excitement and everything. Clyde, an angry fat girl shot up Xodiac’s apartment after she said she had a fat ass.”
Clyde looked at Xodiac with interest. “You don’t look like you have a fat ass. Stand up.”
“Shut up! I don’t have a fat ass. That’s not really what happened. There were these two guys that were going to kill me but they didn’t like their names and then oh forget it. I’m sleeping on the couch.” She grabbed her pillow and blanket and exited with great dignity.
Clyde laughed. “Don’t forget your teddy bear.” He threw it so it hit her in the back of the head. She turned around and threw her pillow at him.
“All right kids, that’s enough for the night. Come on Clyde, the couch has your name on it. Go back to bed Xod and we’ll work something out tomorrow.” Carl pushed Clyde out of the room, waiting until Luci had left and winked at Xodiac. “Don’t worry, the door does lock.”
“Oh like that’s stopped anyone tonight! I feel real safe, not.” She threw herself back on the bed and clutched her bear. She could hear them all talking in the living room and for a moment she felt left out.
