Saturday, November 06, 2004
Chapter Five
Xodiac was dreaming that she was lying on a balcony next to her one true love. He was telling her a story that was terribly funny and terribly wise all at the same time. She felt entirely happy, free and safe. Part of her wanted to turn and look at this man and see what he looked like and part of her was afraid to do anything that might make him vanish. She had a very strong sense that he wanted to stay but some force might come drag him away at any moment.
He reached over and took her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it. A shiver ran through her and she turned to him, not caring what happened next and then a loud roaring sound came out of nowhere and the balcony started to shake. Earthquake she thought and then her eyes snapped open and she was staring into the unshaven face of some angry guy she didn’t know who was telling her to get out. In her panic and confusion she flailed at him and socked him in the ear. He grabbed her wrist and scowled at her.
“What the hell is wrong with you? First you want me to get in bed with you and then you hit me. You’re some screwed up, crazy chick!”
“I’m not,” she protested. “I’m not crazy and I’m not a chick.”
“Sure you’re crazy, totally loony tunes. Are you trying to tell me you’re a guy under that nightie? You sure don’t look it.”
“I’m a woman, not a chick. Who asked you to look anyway? I mean what the hell are you doing in here? Get out or I scream. Oh forget that, I’m screaming.” She let out a scream that should have brought everyone from within five miles.
“Oh that’s good. You must watch a lot of B movies. Very nice. Now get out of my room, I’m tired and I’ve had a hard day.” He shucked his shirt and threw it at her. She shrieked again and threw it back.
“Ewww, don’t you throw your nasty smelly sweaty things at me.” She took a deep breath and rallied. “This is my room, your day can’t possibly have been as hard as mine and, and, and, I don’t have to explain to you, get out!”
The door opened and Carl and Luci came in. Carl laughed. “I see you’ve met Clyde. This is rich. How’d you get his shirt off so fast Xodiac? For that matter why did you scream? You’ve got him right where you want him.”
“I do not! I want him in the Afghanistan! He’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met! What exactly is he doing in my room?”
“Oops sorry,” said Luci. “I forgot he was moving in tonight. What with all the excitement and everything. Clyde, an angry fat girl shot up Xodiac’s apartment after she said she had a fat ass.”
Clyde looked at Xodiac with interest. “You don’t look like you have a fat ass. Stand up.”
“Shut up! I don’t have a fat ass. That’s not really what happened. There were these two guys that were going to kill me but they didn’t like their names and then oh forget it. I’m sleeping on the couch.” She grabbed her pillow and blanket and exited with great dignity.
Clyde laughed. “Don’t forget your teddy bear.” He threw it so it hit her in the back of the head. She turned around and threw her pillow at him.
“All right kids, that’s enough for the night. Come on Clyde, the couch has your name on it. Go back to bed Xod and we’ll work something out tomorrow.” Carl pushed Clyde out of the room, waiting until Luci had left and winked at Xodiac. “Don’t worry, the door does lock.”
“Oh like that’s stopped anyone tonight! I feel real safe, not.” She threw herself back on the bed and clutched her bear. She could hear them all talking in the living room and for a moment she felt left out.
#
“Shh,” said Luci. She handed Xodiac a cup of coffee. “Clyde is still asleep. Don’t wake him.”
“Why should I? He wasn’t exactly considerate of my sleep. Besides it’s 7:30 already. Why isn’t he up? What kind of schedule does he keep?”
“He doesn’t. He’s pretty happy go lucky. Since he works for himself he works when he wants to. I say more power to him.”
“I say he’s a lazy fool. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins you know.”
“Really? I thought it was a slow arboreal edentate mammal.”
“It is.” said Xodiac. “Funny how God made the sloth and then declared them a deadly sin.”
“Maybe it’s the only way they can be deadly. They aren’t exactly dangerous.”
“Unless you’re a tree or a leaf or something.” She could feel the coffee doing its stuff. She put her cup down and started doing stretches.
“What are your plans for the day?” asked Luci.
“Go look at my house and see if it’s livable. Want to go with?”
“Sure. Do you think there’ll be crime tape?”
“If you’re lucky.”
“I’d better come with you,” said a deep growly voice that reminded Xodiac of a bear that really should be hibernating. “Lord knows you flighty females won’t know structural damage if it falls on your head.”
“Oh no, you are not coming with us,” said Xodiac. “I’d rather kiss a toad. I might get warts but he wouldn’t dare call me a flighty female.”
Luci laughed. “He’s just trying to get your goat. Don’t take him so seriously.”
“I’m not taking him at all. Either he goes or I do.”
Clyde walked into the kitchen and took a cup of coffee from Luci. “Thanks darling. I’ll strike a deal with you, Z.”
“Z?”
“Isn’t your name Zodiac?”
“Yes, but it’s spelt with an X.”
“Huh. Well I can’t call you X that sounds ridiculous so Z it is. If you don’t put up a fuss over me coming with you then I’ll never call you a flighty female again. Deal?”
“You’re impossible.”
“Say yes,” said Luci. “What have you got to lose? He’s good at his job.”
“Job?” said Clyde. “I beg to differ. It’s my life’s work. Everything I do is a piece of art straight from my heart.”
“Oh brother,” said Xodiac. “All right you can come along if you just shut up.”
“Absolutely. You won’t hear another word from me. I’ll be so quiet you’ll wonder if I’ve become a mute. I’ll be quieter than the Sphinx. I’ll make monks that have taken a vow of silence look like chatterboxes. Nobody on the planet will be any more silent than I.”
#
“Structural damage? How can you possibly know that?” Xodiac felt like she was going to cry.
“How do you know when to snap your pictures? It’s what I do.” Clyde said. He was making notes in a little beat up leather notebook. “Whoever you get to fix this place up will agree with me if they’re any good. Let me know who you pick and I’ll check them out for you.”
“On no way,” said Luci. “You’re doing the job. We’re not handing our best friend off to some fly by night company. Only the best for our Xoda pop girl.”
Clyde didn’t even look at them. He kept on looking at things and making arcane notations in his book. “Nope I’ve got my plate full with my own project. Ten years it took me to save up to buy that old Hoskin’s place and now I bury myself in the pleasure of bringing it back to life. No offense Z but your house is a piece of junk cardboard cookie cutter thing made by someone with his eye on the dollar. It has no soul.”
“Gee” said Xodiac, “how could I possibly find that offensive?”
“I didn’t think you could but you never know with women.”
“Luci how could your husband have such a horrible, sexist twerp of a brother?”
Clyde looked astonished. “We don’t have any other brothers. What are you talking about?”
Luci stood with arms akimbo. “You are going to fix her house or I won’t cook for you anymore.”
Clyde looked skeptical. “You wouldn’t be so cruel. You don’t have it in you.”
“Don’t I?”
He grabbed her around the waist and bent her over his arm, nibbling on her neck. “You love to watch me eat. You love my gusto, my delight in the tastes you explode in my mouth, the expression of pure bliss I get on my face.”
Xodiac was dismayed to feel a little left out. She wouldn’t have minded if this crazy stranger with the broad chest and the strong arms nuzzled her neck like that. After all her body didn’t know she couldn’t stand the guy, her nerve endings still worked just fine and he looked like he knew how to work them. Luci broke the spell by shoving Clyde away. “Behave yourself. Now I mean it. You can eat good food and give Xoda a beautiful home or you can work all day long at your house and come home and eat dog food because you’re acting like a no good selfish dog.”
Clyde chuckled. “I’m so scared I’m shaking.”
“How soon can you start?”
“I’m starting on my place today so we need to get out of here.” He put his notebook away and headed for the door. Xodiac stared after him in shock. That was it? He was done?
“Don’t worry,” said Luci. “He’ll come around when he smells dinner. Do you need to get anything or did you get enough stuff last night?”
“I don’t know, let me take a look.”
“Be careful. I don’t like what Clyde said about structural damage.”
“I don’t know Luci, do you think my insurance will pay? Doesn’t this count as an act of war or a natural disaster or something?”
#
“How’s the salad coming along?” asked Luci.
“It’s fine. It’s too simple for me to flub up. Now if you let me make the dressing we might be in trouble,” said Xodiac. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”
“I guess you’d have to,” said Carl who was busy setting the table. “It would be pretty hard to just pretend nothing happened.”
“Not to mention unhealthy,” said Luci.
“I’m giving up my scheduling.”
“Oh no, I thought we decided that was a bad idea. It’s your whole support system!”
“It’s more like a crutch for me. I took it too far and became so predictable that I became a danger to myself.”
“Stop that,” said Carl. “The only danger to you was those goons. Maybe you made it a little easier for them but I’m sure they would have found another way to get to you. And you sure didn’t do anything to attract them in the first place. That was all your crazy mother.”
“He’s right,” said Luci.
“Maybe but I’m going to change everything anyway.”
“Maybe you should change just a couple of things. We could go to Weird Wally’s for lunch this week.”
“Oh hell no, I am not eating anywhere with the name Weird in it,” said Luci.
Carl wiggled his eyebrows at her, “I hear they wear interesting uniforms there.” Luci looked at him blankly while Xodiac giggled. “You know, weird? Kinky, woman, I’m talking about crazy sex stuff!”
“Damn it, you’re talking about crazy sex stuff without me?” Clyde tossed his keys onto the coffee table and took an appreciative sniff. “Smells wonderful. What’s for dinner?”
“We’re having Snapper Vera Cruz, wild rice, broccoli, salad and rice pudding for dessert. We’re also having a rather nice Pinot Noir. You’re having peanut butter on white bread, hold the jam.” Luci handed him a plate with a desiccated sandwich with forlorn, curling crusts. “Bon appetit.”
“Very funny.”
“It is funny,” said Carl. “But she’s dead serious. Gastronomically speaking, it’s a bad idea to disappoint Luci.”
“If you think you can make me take on a project I’ll hate just to eat your food you are sadly mistaken. I have will power like you wouldn’t believe.” Clyde took the plate and sat down at the table.
“Aren’t you going to wash your hands?” asked Xodiac. She smiled at him sweetly when he glared at her. “You might want this.” She handed him a can of Natty Bo. “To go with your supper.”
“I don’t think so,” he said, getting the milk out of the refrigerator. “Isn’t milk the traditional beverage for this particular entrée?”
“Natty Bo is the milk of life to many an underage drinker,” said Carl. “Are we ready to say grace?”
He reached over and took her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it. A shiver ran through her and she turned to him, not caring what happened next and then a loud roaring sound came out of nowhere and the balcony started to shake. Earthquake she thought and then her eyes snapped open and she was staring into the unshaven face of some angry guy she didn’t know who was telling her to get out. In her panic and confusion she flailed at him and socked him in the ear. He grabbed her wrist and scowled at her.
“What the hell is wrong with you? First you want me to get in bed with you and then you hit me. You’re some screwed up, crazy chick!”
“I’m not,” she protested. “I’m not crazy and I’m not a chick.”
“Sure you’re crazy, totally loony tunes. Are you trying to tell me you’re a guy under that nightie? You sure don’t look it.”
“I’m a woman, not a chick. Who asked you to look anyway? I mean what the hell are you doing in here? Get out or I scream. Oh forget that, I’m screaming.” She let out a scream that should have brought everyone from within five miles.
“Oh that’s good. You must watch a lot of B movies. Very nice. Now get out of my room, I’m tired and I’ve had a hard day.” He shucked his shirt and threw it at her. She shrieked again and threw it back.
“Ewww, don’t you throw your nasty smelly sweaty things at me.” She took a deep breath and rallied. “This is my room, your day can’t possibly have been as hard as mine and, and, and, I don’t have to explain to you, get out!”
The door opened and Carl and Luci came in. Carl laughed. “I see you’ve met Clyde. This is rich. How’d you get his shirt off so fast Xodiac? For that matter why did you scream? You’ve got him right where you want him.”
“I do not! I want him in the Afghanistan! He’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met! What exactly is he doing in my room?”
“Oops sorry,” said Luci. “I forgot he was moving in tonight. What with all the excitement and everything. Clyde, an angry fat girl shot up Xodiac’s apartment after she said she had a fat ass.”
Clyde looked at Xodiac with interest. “You don’t look like you have a fat ass. Stand up.”
“Shut up! I don’t have a fat ass. That’s not really what happened. There were these two guys that were going to kill me but they didn’t like their names and then oh forget it. I’m sleeping on the couch.” She grabbed her pillow and blanket and exited with great dignity.
Clyde laughed. “Don’t forget your teddy bear.” He threw it so it hit her in the back of the head. She turned around and threw her pillow at him.
“All right kids, that’s enough for the night. Come on Clyde, the couch has your name on it. Go back to bed Xod and we’ll work something out tomorrow.” Carl pushed Clyde out of the room, waiting until Luci had left and winked at Xodiac. “Don’t worry, the door does lock.”
“Oh like that’s stopped anyone tonight! I feel real safe, not.” She threw herself back on the bed and clutched her bear. She could hear them all talking in the living room and for a moment she felt left out.
#
“Shh,” said Luci. She handed Xodiac a cup of coffee. “Clyde is still asleep. Don’t wake him.”
“Why should I? He wasn’t exactly considerate of my sleep. Besides it’s 7:30 already. Why isn’t he up? What kind of schedule does he keep?”
“He doesn’t. He’s pretty happy go lucky. Since he works for himself he works when he wants to. I say more power to him.”
“I say he’s a lazy fool. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins you know.”
“Really? I thought it was a slow arboreal edentate mammal.”
“It is.” said Xodiac. “Funny how God made the sloth and then declared them a deadly sin.”
“Maybe it’s the only way they can be deadly. They aren’t exactly dangerous.”
“Unless you’re a tree or a leaf or something.” She could feel the coffee doing its stuff. She put her cup down and started doing stretches.
“What are your plans for the day?” asked Luci.
“Go look at my house and see if it’s livable. Want to go with?”
“Sure. Do you think there’ll be crime tape?”
“If you’re lucky.”
“I’d better come with you,” said a deep growly voice that reminded Xodiac of a bear that really should be hibernating. “Lord knows you flighty females won’t know structural damage if it falls on your head.”
“Oh no, you are not coming with us,” said Xodiac. “I’d rather kiss a toad. I might get warts but he wouldn’t dare call me a flighty female.”
Luci laughed. “He’s just trying to get your goat. Don’t take him so seriously.”
“I’m not taking him at all. Either he goes or I do.”
Clyde walked into the kitchen and took a cup of coffee from Luci. “Thanks darling. I’ll strike a deal with you, Z.”
“Z?”
“Isn’t your name Zodiac?”
“Yes, but it’s spelt with an X.”
“Huh. Well I can’t call you X that sounds ridiculous so Z it is. If you don’t put up a fuss over me coming with you then I’ll never call you a flighty female again. Deal?”
“You’re impossible.”
“Say yes,” said Luci. “What have you got to lose? He’s good at his job.”
“Job?” said Clyde. “I beg to differ. It’s my life’s work. Everything I do is a piece of art straight from my heart.”
“Oh brother,” said Xodiac. “All right you can come along if you just shut up.”
“Absolutely. You won’t hear another word from me. I’ll be so quiet you’ll wonder if I’ve become a mute. I’ll be quieter than the Sphinx. I’ll make monks that have taken a vow of silence look like chatterboxes. Nobody on the planet will be any more silent than I.”
#
“Structural damage? How can you possibly know that?” Xodiac felt like she was going to cry.
“How do you know when to snap your pictures? It’s what I do.” Clyde said. He was making notes in a little beat up leather notebook. “Whoever you get to fix this place up will agree with me if they’re any good. Let me know who you pick and I’ll check them out for you.”
“On no way,” said Luci. “You’re doing the job. We’re not handing our best friend off to some fly by night company. Only the best for our Xoda pop girl.”
Clyde didn’t even look at them. He kept on looking at things and making arcane notations in his book. “Nope I’ve got my plate full with my own project. Ten years it took me to save up to buy that old Hoskin’s place and now I bury myself in the pleasure of bringing it back to life. No offense Z but your house is a piece of junk cardboard cookie cutter thing made by someone with his eye on the dollar. It has no soul.”
“Gee” said Xodiac, “how could I possibly find that offensive?”
“I didn’t think you could but you never know with women.”
“Luci how could your husband have such a horrible, sexist twerp of a brother?”
Clyde looked astonished. “We don’t have any other brothers. What are you talking about?”
Luci stood with arms akimbo. “You are going to fix her house or I won’t cook for you anymore.”
Clyde looked skeptical. “You wouldn’t be so cruel. You don’t have it in you.”
“Don’t I?”
He grabbed her around the waist and bent her over his arm, nibbling on her neck. “You love to watch me eat. You love my gusto, my delight in the tastes you explode in my mouth, the expression of pure bliss I get on my face.”
Xodiac was dismayed to feel a little left out. She wouldn’t have minded if this crazy stranger with the broad chest and the strong arms nuzzled her neck like that. After all her body didn’t know she couldn’t stand the guy, her nerve endings still worked just fine and he looked like he knew how to work them. Luci broke the spell by shoving Clyde away. “Behave yourself. Now I mean it. You can eat good food and give Xoda a beautiful home or you can work all day long at your house and come home and eat dog food because you’re acting like a no good selfish dog.”
Clyde chuckled. “I’m so scared I’m shaking.”
“How soon can you start?”
“I’m starting on my place today so we need to get out of here.” He put his notebook away and headed for the door. Xodiac stared after him in shock. That was it? He was done?
“Don’t worry,” said Luci. “He’ll come around when he smells dinner. Do you need to get anything or did you get enough stuff last night?”
“I don’t know, let me take a look.”
“Be careful. I don’t like what Clyde said about structural damage.”
“I don’t know Luci, do you think my insurance will pay? Doesn’t this count as an act of war or a natural disaster or something?”
#
“How’s the salad coming along?” asked Luci.
“It’s fine. It’s too simple for me to flub up. Now if you let me make the dressing we might be in trouble,” said Xodiac. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”
“I guess you’d have to,” said Carl who was busy setting the table. “It would be pretty hard to just pretend nothing happened.”
“Not to mention unhealthy,” said Luci.
“I’m giving up my scheduling.”
“Oh no, I thought we decided that was a bad idea. It’s your whole support system!”
“It’s more like a crutch for me. I took it too far and became so predictable that I became a danger to myself.”
“Stop that,” said Carl. “The only danger to you was those goons. Maybe you made it a little easier for them but I’m sure they would have found another way to get to you. And you sure didn’t do anything to attract them in the first place. That was all your crazy mother.”
“He’s right,” said Luci.
“Maybe but I’m going to change everything anyway.”
“Maybe you should change just a couple of things. We could go to Weird Wally’s for lunch this week.”
“Oh hell no, I am not eating anywhere with the name Weird in it,” said Luci.
Carl wiggled his eyebrows at her, “I hear they wear interesting uniforms there.” Luci looked at him blankly while Xodiac giggled. “You know, weird? Kinky, woman, I’m talking about crazy sex stuff!”
“Damn it, you’re talking about crazy sex stuff without me?” Clyde tossed his keys onto the coffee table and took an appreciative sniff. “Smells wonderful. What’s for dinner?”
“We’re having Snapper Vera Cruz, wild rice, broccoli, salad and rice pudding for dessert. We’re also having a rather nice Pinot Noir. You’re having peanut butter on white bread, hold the jam.” Luci handed him a plate with a desiccated sandwich with forlorn, curling crusts. “Bon appetit.”
“Very funny.”
“It is funny,” said Carl. “But she’s dead serious. Gastronomically speaking, it’s a bad idea to disappoint Luci.”
“If you think you can make me take on a project I’ll hate just to eat your food you are sadly mistaken. I have will power like you wouldn’t believe.” Clyde took the plate and sat down at the table.
“Aren’t you going to wash your hands?” asked Xodiac. She smiled at him sweetly when he glared at her. “You might want this.” She handed him a can of Natty Bo. “To go with your supper.”
“I don’t think so,” he said, getting the milk out of the refrigerator. “Isn’t milk the traditional beverage for this particular entrée?”
“Natty Bo is the milk of life to many an underage drinker,” said Carl. “Are we ready to say grace?”
