Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Chapter Three
Another day gone by and Xodiac was no closer to deciding what she wanted to do for a living. She’d talked to a chiropractor and a physicist today. Neither of them made their jobs sound particularly compelling.
Sometimes she thought she should give up and go ahead and write horoscopes for the newspaper and leave it at that. She was sure there was an argument somewhere that with a name like Xodiac she was destined to tell fortunes. On the other hand maybe she was meant to go into the hard sciences. Perhaps it was not too late to learn all about the mating rituals of the greater lesser shrimp. She wasn’t sure if biology counted as a hard science or even what hard science meant.
She walked into her bedroom and sat on the bed. Was it really so terrible if she didn’t 100 percent like her job? Shouldn’t she be grateful to have a job, a house, friends who loved her and all the other blessings she had? She picked a little stuffed bear up off the bed and stroked its fur. That’s when she looked up and saw the two men with guns walk into her room.
“Where is it?” asked the taller one, the one with the dark hair and the burn marks on his hand.
“Come now,” said the shorter one with the blond hair and the cultured voice. “No need to jump right in like that. Pardon us, Xodiac, allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Mr. Prime and this is Mr. Non Designated Name for the Subspecialty of Non Prime Numbers.”
“Hold on now,” said the tall one. “You said we could be Mr. Black and Mr. White.”
“No, too Reservoir Dogs. I don’t like it.”
“Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones?”
“Too much like a 70s TV show. Nobody names themselves after math. I’m a prime number and you’re not.”
“Are you saying I’m subprime? Nonprime? Like a piece of meat that’s not up to par? I’ve had just about enough of you lording it over me thinking you’re better than I am.”
Mr. Prime sighed. “You’re only demonstrating the shortcomings of your self esteem. Shape up man, this is ridiculous. Have you got a better name system for us?”
“I know, I’ll be the Professor and you be Gilligan.”
“Absolutely not. I might possibly be Mr. Howell but only if you be the Skipper.”
Xodiac was frozen, watching this exchange in disbelief. Who were these people and what were their problems? She very slowly started to reach for the phone.
“The Skipper? That tub of lard? Forget it. The Professor or nothing.” The tall man was jabbing his finger in the chest of the short man.
“Fine then nothing it is.” Moving too quickly and smoothly for Xodiac to have any kind of defense he was at her side and holding the gun to her temple. “Please be so kind as to put your hands behind your head. Thank you. Now let me start over again. I am Mr. Alpha and Omega and this is Mr. Nothing.”
“Hey!”
“What? It was your idea not mine. Look do you want to argue about aliases all day or get what we came for?”
Mr. Nothing responded by setting his gun down and taking out a very sharp, shiny knife. “Don’t forget you promised me the blood shedding.”
“Yes, yes, yes, it’s all agreed.”
“You won’t need any bloodshed” said Xodiac. She was vaguely surprised by how steady her voice sounded. She felt like she was going to swoon. She was sure that would be a terrible mistake, perhaps even a fatal mistake.
“That’s what I like to hear” said Mr. Alpha and Omega. “Now darling, where is it?”
“Where is what?”
“Your mother’s legacy, dear.”
“I don’t understand. I’m my mother’s legacy.”
“Her business legacy. We require it.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Oh now isn’t that a little too cliché for a woman such as yourself? Just tell us where it is and we’ll get it and be on our way.”
“No we won’t,” said Mr. Nothing. “She’s seen our faces. We can’t leave her alive.”
Xodiac started to cry. She couldn’t believe that all her hard work and her stupid schedule would result in a terrible, and no doubt, painful death. Instead of sitting on a front porch rocking in a rocking chair with her beloved husband, surrounded by her loving children and grandchildren, looking back on a beautiful, fulfilled life, she was going to bleed to death with only her teddy bear and a couple of murderous morons to keep her company.
“Shut it,” said Mr. Nothing. “Show us the stuff or I start cutting.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” screamed Xodiac. She was terrified and frazzled and the whole thing felt like a bizarre dream.
Mr. Alpha and Omega frowned. “Playing coy doesn’t suit you.”
“Please, please, please believe me. I don’t know what you mean. Repeating the same thing over and over doesn’t help me understand. Help me help you. Tell me what you want.”
“Your mother had quite a lot of our money when she was arrested. We want it back and we want it now.”
“That was twenty years ago!”
“Yes well we’ll been indisposed, shall we say, for a number of years. It’s only recently been possible for us to track her down through you.”
“I don’t know where she is. I haven’t seen her since they took her away. You’ve got to believe me. I’ve no idea where she is or where any money is. I wouldn’t lie to you when my life is in danger.”
Mr. Nothing slid the knife along her cheek. She could feel the blood trickling down her throat. “Maybe you don’t believe your life is in danger. Maybe you need a little persuading.”
“I don’t,” she sobbed. “I would tell you if I knew anything. Do you think I’d be working that stupid job if I had money?”
”Where did you get the money for this place then? Nice condos don’t grow on trees.”
“I got a mortgage at 4.1%. My middle FICO was 873. I have good credit and I reap the benefits. My mortgage payment is less than my rent was when I had roommates.” Oh my God, she thought, I’m babbling. These thugs don’t care about my FICO score. I’ve got to think straight, got to get out of this situation.
“Come with me,” said Mr. Alpha and Omega. He led her down the hall and to her living room. “Open the safe.”
“I haven’t got a safe,” she said.
“We’re not stupid. We know everything about you. We’ve been watching you for weeks. The safe is behind the fake Monet and the combination is 36 – 24 – 36. Open it.”
Feeling numb and stupid, Xodiac did as she was told and then stood back and watched the thugs root through her personal papers. She was so dazed with fear and confusion she couldn’t think of any way out of the situation.
The two men started arguing over the contents of her safe. She had a little money in there, four or five hundred dollars, her jewels, and things like her birth certificate. Both men wanted all the money and they looked to her like they might come to blows over it. Mr. Nothing still had the knife. Where was his gun? Had he picked it up or left it in her bedroom? She thought he had left it there.
Feeling the way she had when she played kickball in third grade and stole bases every chance she got, she started to edge her way to her room. She kept facing the men, walking backwards slowly, hoping her illusion would hold and they wouldn’t notice what she was doing. One step, two, three, her confidence grew with every bit of space between her and her assailants. She wiped at an itch on her neck and her fingers came away bloody. She froze for a minute, imagining what they would do if they spotted her but then she thought about what they would do if she didn’t escape and she returned to her creeping away.
“Let me have the earrings then,” said Mr. Nothing. “My girl will like them. She looks pretty in green.”
“You’re a fool. Buy her some trumpery trash from Wal-Mart and she’ll never know the difference. These are Brazilian emeralds and too good for the likes of her.”
“You’re too good for her is what that means.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake, are you on that again? This is getting very old, very quickly.”
”Whatever pal. You’re the one with the attitude.”
Xodiac turned to run to her room and stopped in mid turn when the phone rang. For a crazy second she felt like she was back playing Stop and Go as a kid before her mom decided that the best way to get rich was to break the law. The two men looked at the phone and then at her.
“It’s her friend Luci,” said Mr. Alpha and Omega. “She calls every Thursday night at this time. Damn it I meant for us to be gone by now. Pick it up.”
“Are you crazy?” asked Mr. Nothing.
“She’ll suspect if she doesn’t get Miss Priss here on the line. This woman never deviates from her precious schedule. Pick the phone up, now and watch everything you say.” Xodiac reached for the phone and stopped to take a calming breath before lifting the receiver.
“Pick it up,” screamed Mr. Nothing.
“Hello?” she said.
“Hi babe, it’s me. I had the most incredible day ever, nothing but good news. How about you?”
“It’s been interesting.”
“Interesting good or interesting bad?”
“The second one.”
Mr. Alpha and Omega stepped into the kitchen and picked up the phone hanging on the wall. “What was that?” asked Luci. “Carl baby did you pick up?”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” said Xodiac. Her mind was racing but the gears didn’t seem to be engaged. She could think of nothing useful to say or try.
“I went to the palm reader today. You know that one by my office that I always wanted to try? She had nothing but good things to say. Oh my God, it was awesome. Beyond awesome. But she said to tell you something.”
“Me? How does she know who I am?”
“Duh, because she’s a fortune teller, she knows everything. She said that two men would come into your life and bring big change. I told her any man in your life would be a big change. Aren’t I funny?”
“Yes, yes you are.”
“Then she said they bring danger and to remember the broken arm. She said it was very important that I tell you this. What do you think it means?”
Xodiac was silent for a minute. What did it mean? “I don’t know. What did she tell you that was good?”
“Did I tell you Carl’s brother is coming to stay with us?”
“No, I don’t think so. Do you like him?”
“Oh sure. But it’s hard living with someone you hardly know. I was worried about upsetting the delicate balance of our marriage but she said it would be great.”
“That is wonderful. I’m so happy for you. Listen, Luci?”
“Yeah?”
“Always remember I love you.”
“Of course I will always remember. You sound so sad. This is good news!”
“Yeah I know. I just want to make sure you know.”
“I love you too, baby girl. What do you think the palm reader meant? Who’s got a broken arm? Besides the punk ass bitch next door I mean.”
“Oh my freaking God,” said Xodiac. “Glenda has a fat ass!” She started screaming it at the top of her lungs. “Glenda has a fat ass! Glenda has a fat ass!”
“Whoa, watch it, you know how thin your walls and windows are. She’s going to hear you!”
“I don’t care. Glenda has a fat ass! She’s a fat hog! Glenda’s fatter than Fernabog the Hog!” Mr. Nothing ran his finger across his throat. “I better go,” said Xodiac.
“Okay, see you, wouldn’t want to be you.”
Xodiac hung up the phone and looked at the two men. She was counting down in her head.
Sometimes she thought she should give up and go ahead and write horoscopes for the newspaper and leave it at that. She was sure there was an argument somewhere that with a name like Xodiac she was destined to tell fortunes. On the other hand maybe she was meant to go into the hard sciences. Perhaps it was not too late to learn all about the mating rituals of the greater lesser shrimp. She wasn’t sure if biology counted as a hard science or even what hard science meant.
She walked into her bedroom and sat on the bed. Was it really so terrible if she didn’t 100 percent like her job? Shouldn’t she be grateful to have a job, a house, friends who loved her and all the other blessings she had? She picked a little stuffed bear up off the bed and stroked its fur. That’s when she looked up and saw the two men with guns walk into her room.
“Where is it?” asked the taller one, the one with the dark hair and the burn marks on his hand.
“Come now,” said the shorter one with the blond hair and the cultured voice. “No need to jump right in like that. Pardon us, Xodiac, allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Mr. Prime and this is Mr. Non Designated Name for the Subspecialty of Non Prime Numbers.”
“Hold on now,” said the tall one. “You said we could be Mr. Black and Mr. White.”
“No, too Reservoir Dogs. I don’t like it.”
“Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones?”
“Too much like a 70s TV show. Nobody names themselves after math. I’m a prime number and you’re not.”
“Are you saying I’m subprime? Nonprime? Like a piece of meat that’s not up to par? I’ve had just about enough of you lording it over me thinking you’re better than I am.”
Mr. Prime sighed. “You’re only demonstrating the shortcomings of your self esteem. Shape up man, this is ridiculous. Have you got a better name system for us?”
“I know, I’ll be the Professor and you be Gilligan.”
“Absolutely not. I might possibly be Mr. Howell but only if you be the Skipper.”
Xodiac was frozen, watching this exchange in disbelief. Who were these people and what were their problems? She very slowly started to reach for the phone.
“The Skipper? That tub of lard? Forget it. The Professor or nothing.” The tall man was jabbing his finger in the chest of the short man.
“Fine then nothing it is.” Moving too quickly and smoothly for Xodiac to have any kind of defense he was at her side and holding the gun to her temple. “Please be so kind as to put your hands behind your head. Thank you. Now let me start over again. I am Mr. Alpha and Omega and this is Mr. Nothing.”
“Hey!”
“What? It was your idea not mine. Look do you want to argue about aliases all day or get what we came for?”
Mr. Nothing responded by setting his gun down and taking out a very sharp, shiny knife. “Don’t forget you promised me the blood shedding.”
“Yes, yes, yes, it’s all agreed.”
“You won’t need any bloodshed” said Xodiac. She was vaguely surprised by how steady her voice sounded. She felt like she was going to swoon. She was sure that would be a terrible mistake, perhaps even a fatal mistake.
“That’s what I like to hear” said Mr. Alpha and Omega. “Now darling, where is it?”
“Where is what?”
“Your mother’s legacy, dear.”
“I don’t understand. I’m my mother’s legacy.”
“Her business legacy. We require it.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Oh now isn’t that a little too cliché for a woman such as yourself? Just tell us where it is and we’ll get it and be on our way.”
“No we won’t,” said Mr. Nothing. “She’s seen our faces. We can’t leave her alive.”
Xodiac started to cry. She couldn’t believe that all her hard work and her stupid schedule would result in a terrible, and no doubt, painful death. Instead of sitting on a front porch rocking in a rocking chair with her beloved husband, surrounded by her loving children and grandchildren, looking back on a beautiful, fulfilled life, she was going to bleed to death with only her teddy bear and a couple of murderous morons to keep her company.
“Shut it,” said Mr. Nothing. “Show us the stuff or I start cutting.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” screamed Xodiac. She was terrified and frazzled and the whole thing felt like a bizarre dream.
Mr. Alpha and Omega frowned. “Playing coy doesn’t suit you.”
“Please, please, please believe me. I don’t know what you mean. Repeating the same thing over and over doesn’t help me understand. Help me help you. Tell me what you want.”
“Your mother had quite a lot of our money when she was arrested. We want it back and we want it now.”
“That was twenty years ago!”
“Yes well we’ll been indisposed, shall we say, for a number of years. It’s only recently been possible for us to track her down through you.”
“I don’t know where she is. I haven’t seen her since they took her away. You’ve got to believe me. I’ve no idea where she is or where any money is. I wouldn’t lie to you when my life is in danger.”
Mr. Nothing slid the knife along her cheek. She could feel the blood trickling down her throat. “Maybe you don’t believe your life is in danger. Maybe you need a little persuading.”
“I don’t,” she sobbed. “I would tell you if I knew anything. Do you think I’d be working that stupid job if I had money?”
”Where did you get the money for this place then? Nice condos don’t grow on trees.”
“I got a mortgage at 4.1%. My middle FICO was 873. I have good credit and I reap the benefits. My mortgage payment is less than my rent was when I had roommates.” Oh my God, she thought, I’m babbling. These thugs don’t care about my FICO score. I’ve got to think straight, got to get out of this situation.
“Come with me,” said Mr. Alpha and Omega. He led her down the hall and to her living room. “Open the safe.”
“I haven’t got a safe,” she said.
“We’re not stupid. We know everything about you. We’ve been watching you for weeks. The safe is behind the fake Monet and the combination is 36 – 24 – 36. Open it.”
Feeling numb and stupid, Xodiac did as she was told and then stood back and watched the thugs root through her personal papers. She was so dazed with fear and confusion she couldn’t think of any way out of the situation.
The two men started arguing over the contents of her safe. She had a little money in there, four or five hundred dollars, her jewels, and things like her birth certificate. Both men wanted all the money and they looked to her like they might come to blows over it. Mr. Nothing still had the knife. Where was his gun? Had he picked it up or left it in her bedroom? She thought he had left it there.
Feeling the way she had when she played kickball in third grade and stole bases every chance she got, she started to edge her way to her room. She kept facing the men, walking backwards slowly, hoping her illusion would hold and they wouldn’t notice what she was doing. One step, two, three, her confidence grew with every bit of space between her and her assailants. She wiped at an itch on her neck and her fingers came away bloody. She froze for a minute, imagining what they would do if they spotted her but then she thought about what they would do if she didn’t escape and she returned to her creeping away.
“Let me have the earrings then,” said Mr. Nothing. “My girl will like them. She looks pretty in green.”
“You’re a fool. Buy her some trumpery trash from Wal-Mart and she’ll never know the difference. These are Brazilian emeralds and too good for the likes of her.”
“You’re too good for her is what that means.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake, are you on that again? This is getting very old, very quickly.”
”Whatever pal. You’re the one with the attitude.”
Xodiac turned to run to her room and stopped in mid turn when the phone rang. For a crazy second she felt like she was back playing Stop and Go as a kid before her mom decided that the best way to get rich was to break the law. The two men looked at the phone and then at her.
“It’s her friend Luci,” said Mr. Alpha and Omega. “She calls every Thursday night at this time. Damn it I meant for us to be gone by now. Pick it up.”
“Are you crazy?” asked Mr. Nothing.
“She’ll suspect if she doesn’t get Miss Priss here on the line. This woman never deviates from her precious schedule. Pick the phone up, now and watch everything you say.” Xodiac reached for the phone and stopped to take a calming breath before lifting the receiver.
“Pick it up,” screamed Mr. Nothing.
“Hello?” she said.
“Hi babe, it’s me. I had the most incredible day ever, nothing but good news. How about you?”
“It’s been interesting.”
“Interesting good or interesting bad?”
“The second one.”
Mr. Alpha and Omega stepped into the kitchen and picked up the phone hanging on the wall. “What was that?” asked Luci. “Carl baby did you pick up?”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” said Xodiac. Her mind was racing but the gears didn’t seem to be engaged. She could think of nothing useful to say or try.
“I went to the palm reader today. You know that one by my office that I always wanted to try? She had nothing but good things to say. Oh my God, it was awesome. Beyond awesome. But she said to tell you something.”
“Me? How does she know who I am?”
“Duh, because she’s a fortune teller, she knows everything. She said that two men would come into your life and bring big change. I told her any man in your life would be a big change. Aren’t I funny?”
“Yes, yes you are.”
“Then she said they bring danger and to remember the broken arm. She said it was very important that I tell you this. What do you think it means?”
Xodiac was silent for a minute. What did it mean? “I don’t know. What did she tell you that was good?”
“Did I tell you Carl’s brother is coming to stay with us?”
“No, I don’t think so. Do you like him?”
“Oh sure. But it’s hard living with someone you hardly know. I was worried about upsetting the delicate balance of our marriage but she said it would be great.”
“That is wonderful. I’m so happy for you. Listen, Luci?”
“Yeah?”
“Always remember I love you.”
“Of course I will always remember. You sound so sad. This is good news!”
“Yeah I know. I just want to make sure you know.”
“I love you too, baby girl. What do you think the palm reader meant? Who’s got a broken arm? Besides the punk ass bitch next door I mean.”
“Oh my freaking God,” said Xodiac. “Glenda has a fat ass!” She started screaming it at the top of her lungs. “Glenda has a fat ass! Glenda has a fat ass!”
“Whoa, watch it, you know how thin your walls and windows are. She’s going to hear you!”
“I don’t care. Glenda has a fat ass! She’s a fat hog! Glenda’s fatter than Fernabog the Hog!” Mr. Nothing ran his finger across his throat. “I better go,” said Xodiac.
“Okay, see you, wouldn’t want to be you.”
Xodiac hung up the phone and looked at the two men. She was counting down in her head.
