Sunday, November 07, 2004
Chapter Six
Xodiac glared out the window. Clyde was asleep on the couch, all bare chest and arms and absolutely no use at all. A week had gone by and he was no closer to agreeing to fix her home than he had ever been. Meanwhile Luci was adamant that he would be the one and had broken two appointments Xodiac made with potential contractors. “Why bother with the inferior when the best is in my living room?” was her philosophy. Meanwhile Xodiac’s philosophy was leaning towards “If someone doesn’t at least pretend they are going to fix my home soon I’ll go stark raving mad.”
She looked back at her notebook. Dang it, she missed her computer. The notebook was great, she wouldn’t do without one but her computer was her friend. She sighed. It was time to get serious about finding a new profession. She closed her eyes and imagined working as a logger. Nope, that wouldn’t cut it. This was ridiculous. Why was she the only person ever born who didn’t have a calling? She had no desire to run a movie theater or sell jewelry.
She wouldn’t have minded if she was suddenly struck with the urge to become the world’s greatest expert on fake Egyptian Scarabs and how not to get burned buying them on eBay. Anything would be a relief from this quagmire of indecision.
She looked at her list of things to do. 1) Research five professions. 2) Read the want ads. 3) Find someone to fix house without Luci finding out. She drew a line through number three. Of course Luci would find out. How would she not notice the house was fixed? Would she think the renovation fairy had dropped by and left a nice gift?
“What’s wrong?” Clyde was sitting up and stretching. The tangled blanket came perilously close to exposing him. She held her breath, waiting to see if he’d remain covered, not entirely sure which she preferred.
“What could be wrong? Everything is just ducky. I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my belly, the love of good friends and moony in the bank. Don’t I have it better than most of the world?”
“Sure you do. Let’s not talk about the world. Let’s talk about your world. Things are not okay in your world, are they?”
“What was your first clue?”
“You sleeping in my bed when I didn’t invite you was pretty much of a dead giveaway, don’t you think?”
“I’m not following you.”
“Close your eyes.” She did and he got up. From the sounds he was making she guessed he was throwing on some clothes. “No peeking,” he said.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” she said.
“Okay you can open them now.” He was wearing a pair of shorts and a wife beater. They looked like he had bought then years ago at a sale for clothing too ragged to be given to Goodwill. He started folding the blankets and then tossed one end to her. “Make yourself useful.”
It had been years since she had anyone to share the folding chores with. She was overcome by a wave of homesickness, of longing for the time before her mom started making designer drugs when it was just the two of them living a somewhat normal life. She sniffled. Clyde gave her a worried look. She waved him off. “What were you saying about me being in your bed?”
“That was supposed to be my bed. You were in it. Luci and my brother forgot I was coming over. It takes a disaster for anyone to forget that I am on the way. Ergo you had a disaster. That was my first clue. The second clue comes from my study of human nature. I’ve been hearing about you for years. By the way, why have we never met before?”
“I don’t know. It seems strange now that I think about it.”
“We never met before because of your schedule. I blow into town and it happens to be your day for seeing the new exhibit at the Walters so you can’t possibly change your plans and meet me. Or it’s the full moon and that’s when you always take a milk bath. The milk must come from the milk of virgin cows.”
“That’s ridiculous. I don’t think virgin cows can even give milk.”
“But you get my drift. I was too much of a carefree hippy for you. You were too high up in your ivory tower for me. So we never met until now, when I am being forced to be more stable and stay in one place for a long time and you are being forced to be more spontaneous and have no idea where you will end up.”
“Wow,” said Xodiac. “Are you always this philosophical and introspective?”
“Oh yeah, that’s me. So anyway, you want nothing more than to have this perfect life and you’ve been ripped from it and it’s going to play havoc with you for a long time. Is that what’s bothering you or is it something else that I don’t know about?”
“I guess it falls into that category. I’m in the middle of changing just about everything. No more schedules, no more taking pictures of people trying to be what they’re not, no more living in a soulless home. I know what I don’t want but I’m having trouble figuring out what I do want.”
“Hey, at least you are moving in the right direction. What’s for lunch?”
“For you? Why do you even ask? Isn’t peanut butter getting a little old?”
Clyde laughed. “Come on, you know how softhearted Luci is. She’ll start feeling bad for me and she’ll cook me something that will make all this well worth it.”
“Will she now?” Luci had walked into the room and she stood glaring at Clyde. “You think you know me? You don’t know me.”
“Tough girl, huh?”
“If you don’t start on her house you’ll find out just how tough. I’m going to start buying unsalted peanut butter for you, mister. See how you like that.”
“You’re as cute as a button when you’re angry.’ Clyde ruffled her hair on his way to the shower down the hall.
“Oh my God, could be you any more demeaning or sexist? I’m talking to you! Get back here!”
He turned around and smiled at them. “Me sexist? I’m not the one who’s using food as bait to try and get a man to fix a house.” He stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
Luci turned back to Xodiac. “He’s funny, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, in an incredibly annoying way. He gave me some good insight though, I’ll have to give him that. Oh Luci, what am I going to do? I’m starting to get really depressed.”
Luci sat down on the couch beside Xodiac. “It’ll be okay. I promise. Try and enjoy the journey and not be so anxious to get to the destination.”
“I guess.”
“What’s on the agenda for today?”
“The usual. Try and figure out the future. What do you think about going to see a fortune teller? That palm reader you saw seemed to do a good job.”
Luci shook her head. “I don’t think you guys would meld. You have different chemistries. I’m thinking Tarot for you.”
“Not astrology?”
“Mmn, no, definitely not. With your name you should stay away from astrology. Didn’t your horoscope steer you wrong that time we went to the racetrack and you lost 200 dollars on the horse that decided racing wasn’t for him?”
“Pisces’ Dream? The one who went to sleep in the starting gate? Yeah my horoscope let me down big time that day. That reminds me, I wanted to tell you about the dream I had last night.”
Carl walked in and sat next to Luci, putting his arm around her and pulling her close. “I’m all ears.”
“I was at Renn Fair and there was this big parade going on.”
“Gosh I miss the parade at Renn Fest,” said Luci.
“Yeah me too. This parade was going by really fast. Like if you wanted to keep pace with it you had to run. In fact everyone in it was running. The weirdest thing is that some writers were on this big float.”
“We never had floats at Renn Fair,” said Luci.
“How did you know they were writers?” asked Carl.
“Because I like their work, I know what they look like. In my dream they were friends of mine. They were really happy I was there to watch them. Then I was talking to this court of women because I wanted money from the queen. I was saying I need it to build, and here they said a construction, and I said no a construct and then as I walked away I said I meant a consort. I thought it was really funny, that little play on words. I woke up laughing but now I don’t know why it was so funny.”
“So that was it?”
“No, I went back to sleep again. I was still at the Fair. I found this beautiful man lying in the grass and I lay down next to him, feeling drunk and asked him if he happens to be looking for a woman who looks and here he said just like you?”
“Ooh how romantic!” said Luci.
“And I said no, a lot like me would be just fine.”
“What did he say?”
“He laughed and touched my bottom lip and said no and I nodded and I closed my eyes because I was suddenly going to cry and he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing and he touched my lip again and said now pish posh that is twice you said something untrue.”
There was a silence for a moment and then Luci asked “what happened next?”
“I don’t know. That’s all I remember.”
“Damn girl,” said Clyde. “You’re even getting rejected in your sleep. You need to go out and get laid. Forget this dating stuff. How long has it been? No don’t tell me.” He put his hands over his ears and said “okay, now tell me. How long?”
“Three years.” Xodiac blushed as Clyde walked into the room and did a double take at her answer. She couldn’t look at him.
“Jumping jubilee, this is an emergency. You need to go right now and get laid. I don’t know how you made it this long.”
“No it’s not,” said Clyde. “You’re an idiot. She has a perfect right to be celibate as long as she wants.”
Xodiac put her head under the throw pillow. What a mortifying conversation. Clyde said “She also has a perfect right to go out and get some. Why should she deny herself?”
“If she wants to she will. Why would you push her to something like this?”
“Because she needs a good push. Look at her, she’s beautiful, she’s sexy, she’s smart, she’s playful and she’s going to waste. It’s a goddamn shame is what it is.”
“She’s too sweet for this. Leave her alone.”
“What?” said Xodiac. “Too sweet? What does that mean?”
“It means what it means. You aren’t the type to go find some action just to get some. I bet you’re the type that has to be in love.”
“Are you saying that because I’m a woman?”
“I’m saying it because it’s obvious. Look at yourself.”
Xodiac wasn’t entirely sure what he was trying to say. She only knew she felt worse and worse with every word he said. She could too go find a man if she wanted to. She just hadn’t wanted to.
“Oh hush up,” said Carl. “She said she needs a drastic change. What better way to get one? She can find a guy to date later. I’m telling you this is a certified medical emergency. I’m going to write you a prescription. Dr. Clyde says take one orgasm before bedtime.”
“Stop it,” said Luci. “Stop fighting over her.”
“Whatever, Dr. Clyde, she is far too innocent to degrade herself in the manner you suggest.”
“Degrade myself? Since when is a healthy affair degrading? Keep your judgments to yourself. All right Clyde, I’ll try.”
“Damn right you will. Now none of that fussing over whether or not he brings you the right kind of flowers. It’s too late for all that. He needs to agree to wear a condom and he needs to shave. That’s it.”
“Good grief,” said Luci. “Those are the lowest standards I’ve ever heard in my life. Talk about a bare minimum.”
Carl looked at the grandfather clock. “You’ve got until 7:22. I’m taking you to a bar tonight and you’re going to hook up. This is going to be great.”
“It’s going to be a disaster, mark my words,” said Clyde.
“I don’t know,” said Luci. “It could be fun.”
She looked back at her notebook. Dang it, she missed her computer. The notebook was great, she wouldn’t do without one but her computer was her friend. She sighed. It was time to get serious about finding a new profession. She closed her eyes and imagined working as a logger. Nope, that wouldn’t cut it. This was ridiculous. Why was she the only person ever born who didn’t have a calling? She had no desire to run a movie theater or sell jewelry.
She wouldn’t have minded if she was suddenly struck with the urge to become the world’s greatest expert on fake Egyptian Scarabs and how not to get burned buying them on eBay. Anything would be a relief from this quagmire of indecision.
She looked at her list of things to do. 1) Research five professions. 2) Read the want ads. 3) Find someone to fix house without Luci finding out. She drew a line through number three. Of course Luci would find out. How would she not notice the house was fixed? Would she think the renovation fairy had dropped by and left a nice gift?
“What’s wrong?” Clyde was sitting up and stretching. The tangled blanket came perilously close to exposing him. She held her breath, waiting to see if he’d remain covered, not entirely sure which she preferred.
“What could be wrong? Everything is just ducky. I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my belly, the love of good friends and moony in the bank. Don’t I have it better than most of the world?”
“Sure you do. Let’s not talk about the world. Let’s talk about your world. Things are not okay in your world, are they?”
“What was your first clue?”
“You sleeping in my bed when I didn’t invite you was pretty much of a dead giveaway, don’t you think?”
“I’m not following you.”
“Close your eyes.” She did and he got up. From the sounds he was making she guessed he was throwing on some clothes. “No peeking,” he said.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” she said.
“Okay you can open them now.” He was wearing a pair of shorts and a wife beater. They looked like he had bought then years ago at a sale for clothing too ragged to be given to Goodwill. He started folding the blankets and then tossed one end to her. “Make yourself useful.”
It had been years since she had anyone to share the folding chores with. She was overcome by a wave of homesickness, of longing for the time before her mom started making designer drugs when it was just the two of them living a somewhat normal life. She sniffled. Clyde gave her a worried look. She waved him off. “What were you saying about me being in your bed?”
“That was supposed to be my bed. You were in it. Luci and my brother forgot I was coming over. It takes a disaster for anyone to forget that I am on the way. Ergo you had a disaster. That was my first clue. The second clue comes from my study of human nature. I’ve been hearing about you for years. By the way, why have we never met before?”
“I don’t know. It seems strange now that I think about it.”
“We never met before because of your schedule. I blow into town and it happens to be your day for seeing the new exhibit at the Walters so you can’t possibly change your plans and meet me. Or it’s the full moon and that’s when you always take a milk bath. The milk must come from the milk of virgin cows.”
“That’s ridiculous. I don’t think virgin cows can even give milk.”
“But you get my drift. I was too much of a carefree hippy for you. You were too high up in your ivory tower for me. So we never met until now, when I am being forced to be more stable and stay in one place for a long time and you are being forced to be more spontaneous and have no idea where you will end up.”
“Wow,” said Xodiac. “Are you always this philosophical and introspective?”
“Oh yeah, that’s me. So anyway, you want nothing more than to have this perfect life and you’ve been ripped from it and it’s going to play havoc with you for a long time. Is that what’s bothering you or is it something else that I don’t know about?”
“I guess it falls into that category. I’m in the middle of changing just about everything. No more schedules, no more taking pictures of people trying to be what they’re not, no more living in a soulless home. I know what I don’t want but I’m having trouble figuring out what I do want.”
“Hey, at least you are moving in the right direction. What’s for lunch?”
“For you? Why do you even ask? Isn’t peanut butter getting a little old?”
Clyde laughed. “Come on, you know how softhearted Luci is. She’ll start feeling bad for me and she’ll cook me something that will make all this well worth it.”
“Will she now?” Luci had walked into the room and she stood glaring at Clyde. “You think you know me? You don’t know me.”
“Tough girl, huh?”
“If you don’t start on her house you’ll find out just how tough. I’m going to start buying unsalted peanut butter for you, mister. See how you like that.”
“You’re as cute as a button when you’re angry.’ Clyde ruffled her hair on his way to the shower down the hall.
“Oh my God, could be you any more demeaning or sexist? I’m talking to you! Get back here!”
He turned around and smiled at them. “Me sexist? I’m not the one who’s using food as bait to try and get a man to fix a house.” He stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
Luci turned back to Xodiac. “He’s funny, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, in an incredibly annoying way. He gave me some good insight though, I’ll have to give him that. Oh Luci, what am I going to do? I’m starting to get really depressed.”
Luci sat down on the couch beside Xodiac. “It’ll be okay. I promise. Try and enjoy the journey and not be so anxious to get to the destination.”
“I guess.”
“What’s on the agenda for today?”
“The usual. Try and figure out the future. What do you think about going to see a fortune teller? That palm reader you saw seemed to do a good job.”
Luci shook her head. “I don’t think you guys would meld. You have different chemistries. I’m thinking Tarot for you.”
“Not astrology?”
“Mmn, no, definitely not. With your name you should stay away from astrology. Didn’t your horoscope steer you wrong that time we went to the racetrack and you lost 200 dollars on the horse that decided racing wasn’t for him?”
“Pisces’ Dream? The one who went to sleep in the starting gate? Yeah my horoscope let me down big time that day. That reminds me, I wanted to tell you about the dream I had last night.”
Carl walked in and sat next to Luci, putting his arm around her and pulling her close. “I’m all ears.”
“I was at Renn Fair and there was this big parade going on.”
“Gosh I miss the parade at Renn Fest,” said Luci.
“Yeah me too. This parade was going by really fast. Like if you wanted to keep pace with it you had to run. In fact everyone in it was running. The weirdest thing is that some writers were on this big float.”
“We never had floats at Renn Fair,” said Luci.
“How did you know they were writers?” asked Carl.
“Because I like their work, I know what they look like. In my dream they were friends of mine. They were really happy I was there to watch them. Then I was talking to this court of women because I wanted money from the queen. I was saying I need it to build, and here they said a construction, and I said no a construct and then as I walked away I said I meant a consort. I thought it was really funny, that little play on words. I woke up laughing but now I don’t know why it was so funny.”
“So that was it?”
“No, I went back to sleep again. I was still at the Fair. I found this beautiful man lying in the grass and I lay down next to him, feeling drunk and asked him if he happens to be looking for a woman who looks and here he said just like you?”
“Ooh how romantic!” said Luci.
“And I said no, a lot like me would be just fine.”
“What did he say?”
“He laughed and touched my bottom lip and said no and I nodded and I closed my eyes because I was suddenly going to cry and he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing and he touched my lip again and said now pish posh that is twice you said something untrue.”
There was a silence for a moment and then Luci asked “what happened next?”
“I don’t know. That’s all I remember.”
“Damn girl,” said Clyde. “You’re even getting rejected in your sleep. You need to go out and get laid. Forget this dating stuff. How long has it been? No don’t tell me.” He put his hands over his ears and said “okay, now tell me. How long?”
“Three years.” Xodiac blushed as Clyde walked into the room and did a double take at her answer. She couldn’t look at him.
“Jumping jubilee, this is an emergency. You need to go right now and get laid. I don’t know how you made it this long.”
“No it’s not,” said Clyde. “You’re an idiot. She has a perfect right to be celibate as long as she wants.”
Xodiac put her head under the throw pillow. What a mortifying conversation. Clyde said “She also has a perfect right to go out and get some. Why should she deny herself?”
“If she wants to she will. Why would you push her to something like this?”
“Because she needs a good push. Look at her, she’s beautiful, she’s sexy, she’s smart, she’s playful and she’s going to waste. It’s a goddamn shame is what it is.”
“She’s too sweet for this. Leave her alone.”
“What?” said Xodiac. “Too sweet? What does that mean?”
“It means what it means. You aren’t the type to go find some action just to get some. I bet you’re the type that has to be in love.”
“Are you saying that because I’m a woman?”
“I’m saying it because it’s obvious. Look at yourself.”
Xodiac wasn’t entirely sure what he was trying to say. She only knew she felt worse and worse with every word he said. She could too go find a man if she wanted to. She just hadn’t wanted to.
“Oh hush up,” said Carl. “She said she needs a drastic change. What better way to get one? She can find a guy to date later. I’m telling you this is a certified medical emergency. I’m going to write you a prescription. Dr. Clyde says take one orgasm before bedtime.”
“Stop it,” said Luci. “Stop fighting over her.”
“Whatever, Dr. Clyde, she is far too innocent to degrade herself in the manner you suggest.”
“Degrade myself? Since when is a healthy affair degrading? Keep your judgments to yourself. All right Clyde, I’ll try.”
“Damn right you will. Now none of that fussing over whether or not he brings you the right kind of flowers. It’s too late for all that. He needs to agree to wear a condom and he needs to shave. That’s it.”
“Good grief,” said Luci. “Those are the lowest standards I’ve ever heard in my life. Talk about a bare minimum.”
Carl looked at the grandfather clock. “You’ve got until 7:22. I’m taking you to a bar tonight and you’re going to hook up. This is going to be great.”
“It’s going to be a disaster, mark my words,” said Clyde.
“I don’t know,” said Luci. “It could be fun.”
