Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Chapter Two
Chapter Two
Luci poked her salad with a fork and eyed her lettuce with suspicion. Xodiac glanced over from her sandwich. “What’s the matter, hon?”
“I’m pretty sure there’s a caterpillar in here somewhere. I don’t want to bite it. You know I hate the way they scream when I kill them.”
Xodiac raised an eyebrow at Carl, who just shrugged and went on eating. “Don’t look at me. As far as I know she hasn’t been nipping at the cooking sherry.”
“We don’t have any sherry and you know it.” Luci looked at them with an earnest expression.
“It’s not just their little shrieks of pain that I can’t stand. It’s the feeling as their life forces suddenly expand and become part of my own. It’s disconcerting.”
“Babe, you’re eating what used to be a pig. How is a little bit of caterpillar aura going to affect you?”
She sighed. “The taste isn’t all that great either.”
Xodiac took the salad and inspected it. Then she wrote a quick note on a post it and stuck it to the side of the bowl, giving it back to Luci, who smiled when she read it. “Guaranteed 100% caterpillar free zone. Wonderful! How’s the job hunt going?”
“It’s not. I can’t find something that I can’t define. Want to hear about this crazy dream I had last night?”
“You know we do.”
“Okay, I was driving down the highway kind of in the middle of nowhere. Wait, I was in the back of a van, someone else was driving but don’t ask me who because I don’t remember. I guess they weren’t important. We drove past these nice houses. I saw these really cute animals right out in the road. There was a donkey with a red face and a black body and a little bitty Shetland pony with a blue halter and a goat.”
Carl crumpled his sandwich wrapper. “What did the goat look like?”
“Just a plain old goat. Nothing fancy.”
“Not like the statue at the Naval Academy with the paint?”
“No, sorry, this was a run of the mill goat. I couldn’t pick it out of a line-up or anything. I could with the donkey though, if he got arrested for anything, not that he would because he was super nice. I’ve never seen one with that sort of coloring before.”
Luci said “that’s so cool. I’ve read most people don’t dream in color.”
“I always do. I’m lucky that way.”
“These animals were just loose in the road? Like someone could run over them at any moment loose in the road?”
“That’s exactly right. I started screaming ‘Stop the van, stop the van!’ and then I jumped out when the van slowed down. I caught the goat right away and tied him to a tree. The donkey kept following me around making these little approving noises which was great but the pony did not want to be caught. I chased him all over the place. People came out and watched but nobody helped.”
“I’d have helped if I were there.”
“You’re the best, Luci, thank you. I finally snagged the halter as the pony trotted past and it slid right over his head. I was ready to cry I was so frustrated. I sank down and put my hands on my face and the pony came running up and put his head in my lap. He seemed sorry. The whole situation reminded me of that loopy Dobie you guys used to have. Remember how she would run away at the drop of a hat and then come sit on your lap as soon as you gave up?”
“Yep, Tinsel, she was a good dog.”
“Good in a brain dead sort of way. What happened next?”
“I started asking where the animals lived and the people standing around were even worse than before. They wouldn’t help me take the animals back home and when they deigned to show me where they lived they talked about the house like it housed a child molester Nazi war criminal Commie Liberal Fascist bastard.”
“Wow,” said Luci. “I bet he would be head of the PTA, a popular guy like that!”
“I led the animals back up the driveway to the house. It was beautiful and set on this gorgeous property with lush grass. I didn’t know why the animals had wandered away. I wouldn’t if it were me. It looked like you used to go up over this bridge, which for some reason I think is a cross between a troll bridge and the bridge at the Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park, but the bridge was gone and all that was left was planks.”
“I bet it was hard getting the animals across the boards. I bet the donkey was the hardest of all.”
“You’d lose that bet. It was easier than falling off a board. They followed me and we met this guy in front of the house. He put them in the pasture and invited me inside to look around. Can I just tell you that house was even nicer inside than out? This one room was all light and tile and plants and there was a goldfish pond right in the middle in a sunken tub. It was so beautiful and peaceful.” Xodiac sighed and looked mournful.
“Who the hell wants fish in the floor?” asked Carl.
“Well duh, dear, obviously Xodiac does.”
“I guess I do. We walked around and looked at all these wonderful things and then I asked him why the neighbors were no help and he started looking nervous. Did I say he was really good looking?”
“No! Tell us everything. Did he have a tight little butt?” asked Luci. She reached over and took Carl’s hand as though she thought he might be jealous.
“Nothing wrong with my butt,” he said.
“I don’t know,” said Xodiac. “I don’t remember the details. Just that he was really attractive but more importantly I felt safe with him, you know what I mean?” When they nodded she went on talking. “He looked so funny when I mentioned the neighbors that I asked him what was wrong, even though it was really not my business. He sighed and said he’d show me.”
“Now we’re getting to the hot stuff.”
“Hush your mouth Carl. Go on, Xodiac.” said Luci.
“He took me into this room and right away I saw it was a soundstage. There were three rooms set up like a sitcom set. It was interesting but didn’t really explain the neighbors. He looked at me and asked me if I got it yet. I said no. He said they filmed it in his home. He said ‘it’ in a very significant way like I should know what he was talking about but I didn’t.”
“If you watched TV like a normal person you might have known,” said Carl.
“But I can’t watch it. It doesn’t fit my schedule.”
“God love you. There is nothing more scheduled than TV.”
“Oh no they are always changing the day a show is on or taking it off entirely. No it’s just not for me. Don’t think I haven’t tried because I have. It’s just not my thing.”
“I’m going to scream if you don’t tell us what happened” said Luci. “You have to go back to work in a few minutes. Hurry up but make sure you get all the good stuff.”
“Okay I told him I wasn’t following him and he said “Fernabog the Hog!”
“Who?”
“Fernabog the Hog. And he said it like it was the most important thing ever. I said I still didn’t know what he was talking about and he said “only the most popular show in America on Tuesday nights” and gave me a meaningful look. I told him I still didn’t get it. Is there a show called that?”
“No but I believe it could fly. What was it about?”
”I don’t know. I told him I didn’t watch TV and he looked so crestfallen and sad and he gave this terrible sigh. Then he said I must not have heard about the scandal and he couldn’t bear to talk about it. What kind of scandal could it have been?”
Carl perked up. “Maybe something with him and this pig.”
“Oh no I don’t think so because we went outside and sat on the porch swing and we talked and then the next thing I knew we were making out hot and heavy.” Xodiac stopped for a second remembering the feel of his hand on her breast, his lips against hers, that rush as her heart sped up and she just wanted to get closer and closer to this guy no matter what.
“That’s what I’m talking about. How hot and heavy? Was it a wet dream?”
“I don’t think girls can have those. I’ve never finished in my dreams. Have you Luci?”
Luci shook her head and looked at Carl. “That’s why I wake you up in the middle of the night sometimes, so I can finish.”
“It was really nice,” said Xodiac. “It makes me wonder why I gave it up.”
“Whoa, hold on, what do you mean you gave it up? I thought you were just taking a little break.”
“No it’s permanent. I decided to be celibate forever. Men just screw with my schedule.”
Carl was horrified. “They screw with you too and that’s more important than your silly schedule. Your priorities are messed up girl.”
“I hardly think so. Remember Ralph? Remember how he seemed so nice and reasonable when I first met him? Then next thing I know he’s in jail in Thailand. Then there was Bruce and his new job every three weeks.”
“Um Xodiac, he worked for a temp agency.”
“Don’t even try and make excuses for him. He was way too erratic for me. It’s safer to rely on myself.”
“But where’s the fun?” asked Carl. “Where’s the passion? The loyalty, the warm feet when yours are cold in the middle of the night, the willing ear and the tender heart, the caring and all the other good things you get along with the oddity?”
Luci leaned over and kissed him. “You’re such a sweetie.” He waved her off but looked pleased.
Xodiac stood up and started bussing their table. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, it all sounds great until you come home and find him wearing your underwear and looking better in it than you do. I need to get back to work.”
#
Xodiac sat in front of her computer, making notes on a neatly divided pad of paper. One column was marked “Not for Me” and the second was “To consider.” The first was getting full and the second was blank. She sighed and added tree surgeon to the first column. How did people decide what they wanted to do for a living? It seemed beyond hopeless.
Toll taker, no, receptionist, no, nurse, no, data mining analyst, she was not even sure what that meant, bank teller, no, loan officer, no, hmm, magician’s assistant looked interesting. For a minute she imagined herself surrounded by doves and rabbits while someone threw knives at her and sawed her in half. Talk about chaotic, a definite no.
A noise from outside caught her attention. She walked over to the window and pulled the curtain open just enough to see outside. She didn’t know what was going on but her sense of uneasiness increased with every new day. Once again she didn’t see anything unusual outside. She lowered the curtain and walked around the house double checking the locks.
Maybe if I become a police officer I wouldn’t worry so much, she thought. Oh who am I kidding? I’m jumping at shadows. They don’t take nervous nellies at the police force and I have no interest in policing anything beyond myself. Her alarm went off and she went to push the button, grateful for anything that broke the chain of unproductive thoughts.
Luci poked her salad with a fork and eyed her lettuce with suspicion. Xodiac glanced over from her sandwich. “What’s the matter, hon?”
“I’m pretty sure there’s a caterpillar in here somewhere. I don’t want to bite it. You know I hate the way they scream when I kill them.”
Xodiac raised an eyebrow at Carl, who just shrugged and went on eating. “Don’t look at me. As far as I know she hasn’t been nipping at the cooking sherry.”
“We don’t have any sherry and you know it.” Luci looked at them with an earnest expression.
“It’s not just their little shrieks of pain that I can’t stand. It’s the feeling as their life forces suddenly expand and become part of my own. It’s disconcerting.”
“Babe, you’re eating what used to be a pig. How is a little bit of caterpillar aura going to affect you?”
She sighed. “The taste isn’t all that great either.”
Xodiac took the salad and inspected it. Then she wrote a quick note on a post it and stuck it to the side of the bowl, giving it back to Luci, who smiled when she read it. “Guaranteed 100% caterpillar free zone. Wonderful! How’s the job hunt going?”
“It’s not. I can’t find something that I can’t define. Want to hear about this crazy dream I had last night?”
“You know we do.”
“Okay, I was driving down the highway kind of in the middle of nowhere. Wait, I was in the back of a van, someone else was driving but don’t ask me who because I don’t remember. I guess they weren’t important. We drove past these nice houses. I saw these really cute animals right out in the road. There was a donkey with a red face and a black body and a little bitty Shetland pony with a blue halter and a goat.”
Carl crumpled his sandwich wrapper. “What did the goat look like?”
“Just a plain old goat. Nothing fancy.”
“Not like the statue at the Naval Academy with the paint?”
“No, sorry, this was a run of the mill goat. I couldn’t pick it out of a line-up or anything. I could with the donkey though, if he got arrested for anything, not that he would because he was super nice. I’ve never seen one with that sort of coloring before.”
Luci said “that’s so cool. I’ve read most people don’t dream in color.”
“I always do. I’m lucky that way.”
“These animals were just loose in the road? Like someone could run over them at any moment loose in the road?”
“That’s exactly right. I started screaming ‘Stop the van, stop the van!’ and then I jumped out when the van slowed down. I caught the goat right away and tied him to a tree. The donkey kept following me around making these little approving noises which was great but the pony did not want to be caught. I chased him all over the place. People came out and watched but nobody helped.”
“I’d have helped if I were there.”
“You’re the best, Luci, thank you. I finally snagged the halter as the pony trotted past and it slid right over his head. I was ready to cry I was so frustrated. I sank down and put my hands on my face and the pony came running up and put his head in my lap. He seemed sorry. The whole situation reminded me of that loopy Dobie you guys used to have. Remember how she would run away at the drop of a hat and then come sit on your lap as soon as you gave up?”
“Yep, Tinsel, she was a good dog.”
“Good in a brain dead sort of way. What happened next?”
“I started asking where the animals lived and the people standing around were even worse than before. They wouldn’t help me take the animals back home and when they deigned to show me where they lived they talked about the house like it housed a child molester Nazi war criminal Commie Liberal Fascist bastard.”
“Wow,” said Luci. “I bet he would be head of the PTA, a popular guy like that!”
“I led the animals back up the driveway to the house. It was beautiful and set on this gorgeous property with lush grass. I didn’t know why the animals had wandered away. I wouldn’t if it were me. It looked like you used to go up over this bridge, which for some reason I think is a cross between a troll bridge and the bridge at the Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park, but the bridge was gone and all that was left was planks.”
“I bet it was hard getting the animals across the boards. I bet the donkey was the hardest of all.”
“You’d lose that bet. It was easier than falling off a board. They followed me and we met this guy in front of the house. He put them in the pasture and invited me inside to look around. Can I just tell you that house was even nicer inside than out? This one room was all light and tile and plants and there was a goldfish pond right in the middle in a sunken tub. It was so beautiful and peaceful.” Xodiac sighed and looked mournful.
“Who the hell wants fish in the floor?” asked Carl.
“Well duh, dear, obviously Xodiac does.”
“I guess I do. We walked around and looked at all these wonderful things and then I asked him why the neighbors were no help and he started looking nervous. Did I say he was really good looking?”
“No! Tell us everything. Did he have a tight little butt?” asked Luci. She reached over and took Carl’s hand as though she thought he might be jealous.
“Nothing wrong with my butt,” he said.
“I don’t know,” said Xodiac. “I don’t remember the details. Just that he was really attractive but more importantly I felt safe with him, you know what I mean?” When they nodded she went on talking. “He looked so funny when I mentioned the neighbors that I asked him what was wrong, even though it was really not my business. He sighed and said he’d show me.”
“Now we’re getting to the hot stuff.”
“Hush your mouth Carl. Go on, Xodiac.” said Luci.
“He took me into this room and right away I saw it was a soundstage. There were three rooms set up like a sitcom set. It was interesting but didn’t really explain the neighbors. He looked at me and asked me if I got it yet. I said no. He said they filmed it in his home. He said ‘it’ in a very significant way like I should know what he was talking about but I didn’t.”
“If you watched TV like a normal person you might have known,” said Carl.
“But I can’t watch it. It doesn’t fit my schedule.”
“God love you. There is nothing more scheduled than TV.”
“Oh no they are always changing the day a show is on or taking it off entirely. No it’s just not for me. Don’t think I haven’t tried because I have. It’s just not my thing.”
“I’m going to scream if you don’t tell us what happened” said Luci. “You have to go back to work in a few minutes. Hurry up but make sure you get all the good stuff.”
“Okay I told him I wasn’t following him and he said “Fernabog the Hog!”
“Who?”
“Fernabog the Hog. And he said it like it was the most important thing ever. I said I still didn’t know what he was talking about and he said “only the most popular show in America on Tuesday nights” and gave me a meaningful look. I told him I still didn’t get it. Is there a show called that?”
“No but I believe it could fly. What was it about?”
”I don’t know. I told him I didn’t watch TV and he looked so crestfallen and sad and he gave this terrible sigh. Then he said I must not have heard about the scandal and he couldn’t bear to talk about it. What kind of scandal could it have been?”
Carl perked up. “Maybe something with him and this pig.”
“Oh no I don’t think so because we went outside and sat on the porch swing and we talked and then the next thing I knew we were making out hot and heavy.” Xodiac stopped for a second remembering the feel of his hand on her breast, his lips against hers, that rush as her heart sped up and she just wanted to get closer and closer to this guy no matter what.
“That’s what I’m talking about. How hot and heavy? Was it a wet dream?”
“I don’t think girls can have those. I’ve never finished in my dreams. Have you Luci?”
Luci shook her head and looked at Carl. “That’s why I wake you up in the middle of the night sometimes, so I can finish.”
“It was really nice,” said Xodiac. “It makes me wonder why I gave it up.”
“Whoa, hold on, what do you mean you gave it up? I thought you were just taking a little break.”
“No it’s permanent. I decided to be celibate forever. Men just screw with my schedule.”
Carl was horrified. “They screw with you too and that’s more important than your silly schedule. Your priorities are messed up girl.”
“I hardly think so. Remember Ralph? Remember how he seemed so nice and reasonable when I first met him? Then next thing I know he’s in jail in Thailand. Then there was Bruce and his new job every three weeks.”
“Um Xodiac, he worked for a temp agency.”
“Don’t even try and make excuses for him. He was way too erratic for me. It’s safer to rely on myself.”
“But where’s the fun?” asked Carl. “Where’s the passion? The loyalty, the warm feet when yours are cold in the middle of the night, the willing ear and the tender heart, the caring and all the other good things you get along with the oddity?”
Luci leaned over and kissed him. “You’re such a sweetie.” He waved her off but looked pleased.
Xodiac stood up and started bussing their table. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, it all sounds great until you come home and find him wearing your underwear and looking better in it than you do. I need to get back to work.”
#
Xodiac sat in front of her computer, making notes on a neatly divided pad of paper. One column was marked “Not for Me” and the second was “To consider.” The first was getting full and the second was blank. She sighed and added tree surgeon to the first column. How did people decide what they wanted to do for a living? It seemed beyond hopeless.
Toll taker, no, receptionist, no, nurse, no, data mining analyst, she was not even sure what that meant, bank teller, no, loan officer, no, hmm, magician’s assistant looked interesting. For a minute she imagined herself surrounded by doves and rabbits while someone threw knives at her and sawed her in half. Talk about chaotic, a definite no.
A noise from outside caught her attention. She walked over to the window and pulled the curtain open just enough to see outside. She didn’t know what was going on but her sense of uneasiness increased with every new day. Once again she didn’t see anything unusual outside. She lowered the curtain and walked around the house double checking the locks.
Maybe if I become a police officer I wouldn’t worry so much, she thought. Oh who am I kidding? I’m jumping at shadows. They don’t take nervous nellies at the police force and I have no interest in policing anything beyond myself. Her alarm went off and she went to push the button, grateful for anything that broke the chain of unproductive thoughts.
