Bare Minimum

Xodiac handed the camera back to the beaming parents. “No problem,” she said. “It’s what I do for my day job anyway. I absolutely don’t mind and you guys look so cute you should most definitely have a memento.”

The very pregnant mom, dressed as a whale, smiled. “It was a lot of work but Halloween is our very favorite holiday so we didn’t mind. Isn’t that right dear?”
The dad clapped his flippers together and smiled past his enormous walrus tusks. “Nope it was all good. Ready kids?”

The little trick or treaters, disguised as a sea otter and a blob of plankton rattled their pillowcases of candy and looked enthusiastic. “What do you say?” asked the mom, making a face that made Xodiac take a step back.

“Thank you ma’am” chorused the kids.

“Oh my God I am so sorry” said the mom.

“I don’t get it” said Xodiac. “They’re very polite.”

“It’s not that” said the walrus, smiling even bigger than before. “Looks like we need to cut the evening short.” And sure enough mom appeared to have sprung a leak. An amazing quantity of water was pouring from her lower half. Dad swooped her up in his arms and the family hurried off leaving Xodiac staring after them.

Wow, she thought. That must be wonderful to have someone care about you like that. How romantic to be carried off in the arms of a walrus to give birth to some half whale, half plankton, half, sea otter offspring. What a lucky, lucky woman.

She was jolted from her warm and fuzzy reverie by the sound of a thud. Some kid in a Power Rangers suit had slipped in the amniotic fluid and was wet and crying. That’s what you get for wearing an out of style, store bought costume, thought Xodiac and then immediately mentally apologized. As always she could neither stop the uncharitable thought or the ensuing remorse. After checking to make sure the kid was okay she went to get the mop.
#
Xodiac’s time to go bed alarm went off. She sighed. Her free time flew by but at the same time she felt like she was running in circles and accomplishing exactly nothing. Here it was 11 PM already and she was just getting into the good part of her book. But if anyone appreciated the value of a schedule it was Xodiac Luminosity Sundial McCormick. Some people might say the road to Hell was paved with good intentions but Xodiac knew it was a slippery slope that began with staying up too late reading a book and ended with your child watching horrified as you were.. Xodiac took a deep breath and stopped. She didn’t have to think about her mother. As long as she stuck to her schedule and did all the right things her fate was in her own hands and she was safe as houses and never had to remember she had ever had a mother at all.

She put the book on the coffee table and stretched. Her clothes were laid out for tomorrow, gas was in her tank, her lunch was made, everything was ready and she could sleep the sleep of the prepared and protected.

The bell rang just as she was brushing her teeth. She ran down and peered through the security porthole and saw the kid who lived next door. What on earth was he doing out by himself at this time of night? She flung the door open. “Is everything okay next door?”

“Yeah sure fine.” He stared at her. He was acting a little creepy.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“Ask not what you can do for me. Ask what I can do for you.”

She sighed. “All righty Mr. Kennedy, how may I help you?”

He kept giving her the cold reptile eye. “Turn around.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Just do it.” Wondering what on earth was the matter with her, she turned around slowly. He spoke again as she faced away from him. “That ass is looking kind of big.”

“What?” She was appalled. How dare he?

“Your ass, it’s getting kind of jiggly and big. Oh sure the guys say they like junk in the trunk but do you see any guys hanging around here? Yeah I didn’t think so. If you want a date lady you better get rid of that fat ass. A good way to start would be to get rid of all your leftover Halloween candy. I’ll take it as a personal favor.”

Feeling rather like a zombie Xodiac dumped the remnants of the candy into the little thug’s bag. “Is that all you have?” he asked.

“You know who has more? A lot more? And would really, really appreciate your help? Glenda from across the street. She told me the other day she’s hoping to lose a couple of hundred pounds. You should go talk to her right now.” Xodiac watched the kid cross the street. She could just barely hear the conversation but she clearly saw the kid jump back and run away as Glenda chased him back into his house and tried to break the door down.

“Can you believe that snot nosed chump?” asked Glenda.

“It’s amazing. Have a wonderful night.”

“Oh you bet. I’m going to booby-trap his bike. See how he likes it when the wheel falls off. Disrespect me. As if!”
#
Where was the glamour? When Xodiac applied for this job taking pictures of people all dolled up to the nines she had read the word “glamour” over and over. The job actually consisted of taking pictures of ordinary people looking ridiculous in way too much makeup and tacky clothes. They were often uncomfortable and grouchy. She wanted to work with happy people but often wondered if there was such a thing as a happy person anywhere on the planet. She shook her head. Negative thinking was not the way to her goals. Just because people at the mall were often grouchy didn’t mean everyone was grumpy. Just look at her friend Luci. If there was ever a person who always came out on top it was Luci.

Speak of the devil there she was. She came striding down the aisle like she owned the world, with her husband Carl in tow. Such an unlikely pair but they fit together better than anyone Xodiac knew. She gave Luci a big hug and then Carl stepped in for his.

“How are you doing, sweetie?” asked Luci.

“I’m good. How about you guys?”

“Let’s go to Ruby Tuesday’s” said Carl.

“Oh no” said Luci. “You know Xodiac’s schedule. On Wednesdays we go to the deli. She’ll have an avocado, sprouts, tomato and Swiss cheese sandwich and lemonade.”

“I’ve got news for you darlin’” said Carl. “The world aint going to stop spinning if we go get ribs at Red, Hot and Blue today.”

Xodiac blushed. Luci stepped in for her. “Oh hush your mouth. Let Xodiac have her quirks. God knows she could be a whole lot weirder. Ready darling?”
#
Carl spoke around his turkey on rye. “Seriously it’s against the law in Maryland for a trained bear to drive a car.”

“Get out,” said Luci. “What if it’s on private property?”

“Doesn’t matter” he said.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Xodiac. “What if I train a bear to drive his very own specially made car in my own circus which I have set up on my own personal real estate? You’re telling me it would illegal for Bruin to perform?”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

“Oh come on. What if it were a wild bear? What if a wild bear attacks me and carjacks me? Then what? Is that legal?” “Yep that’s just fine in the eyes of the law.”

Luci frowned. “But then wouldn’t he be in violation of carjacking laws?”

“Naw. He would get off for impaired mentality or something. Besides how old do bears get? You probably couldn’t try him as an adult or anything.”

“Yeah maybe,” said Xodiac. “It’s still weird to me. I don’t understand why a criminal bear is legal and a trained bear driving a sweet little custom number in the safety of my own home is against the law.”

“That’s the government for you. Nobody said they make any sense. Anyone else want dessert?”

“Sheesh” said Luci. “We have tons of Halloween candy at home. Why do you want dessert?”

Xodiac pushed her sandwich away. “Oh my God, I totally have to tell you what happened to my candy last night. You know that punk kid next door?”

Luci shook her head. “I didn’t think you had any punks in your neighborhood. What color is his hair?”

“Not that kind of punk, hon,” said Carl. “A punk ass bitch punk. You know.”

“Oh yeah. The one who uses the leaf blower the blow the leaves onto your yard and then offers to get rid of the leaves for fifty bucks. Carry on.”

“He told me I have a fat ass and I should give him all my leftover candy.”

“Get out!” Luci was outraged. “You have a juicy ass. He has no taste. How old is he anyway? Isn’t he like eleven? That’s too young to appreciate a woman.”

“Depends on the woman” said Carl.

“Did you deck him?”

“No, I gave him the candy.”

“On no you didn’t.”

“Oh yes I did but then I sent him over to Glenda’s to play his little games.”

“Wow. I wonder how long he was at the ER.” They were all silent for a moment imagining the total cost of telling Glenda she had a fat ass. Luci shook it off first. “Have you found a new job yet?”

Xodiac shook her head. Carl sighed. “You know I love you, Xodiac, but you have to get out of that place. It’s grinding your soul into grit. You don’t have to find the perfect job just find a different one.”

“But I make ends meet at this one. What’s the point in changing jobs just to change jobs? I want to find something that I want to do. Some dream job. I just don’t know what it will be. I never even wanted to be a ballerina like everyone else in school. I just wanted stability.”

“And that’s great” said Luci. “But there’s so much more to life. It’s time for the next step. You need to set some goals baby girl.”

“Yeah I know. I’m trying. And now I have to get back to work. Are you guys walking me back or is this goodbye?”

“It’s never goodbye, silly. It’s always see you later.”
#
A little shiver ran down Xodiac’s spine as she locked up the store that night. Something was out of whack but she couldn’t figure out what it was. Everything was just exactly where it was supposed to be. The alarm was set and the keys were in her hand. Her purse was slung over her shoulder and she had her car keys in her other hand. Fred, the security guard, was coming along the mall aisle to walk her to the night deposit box. There was no reason for this odd feeling.

“Are you ready Miss Xodiac?”

“Yes I am, Mr. Fred.” She looked around one more time and gave up. “How are things in the exciting world of security tonight?”
#
Xodiac slammed on her brakes as she pulled into her courtyard. The little punk ass bitch from next door was riding his bike in the middle of the street. His right arm gleamed in the headlights and the bike sparkled. She blinked and looked again. He was definitely riding a new bike and his arm was definitely in a cast from shoulder to fingertips. Yikes, she thought, I’d better not ever tell Glenda she has a fat anything. In fact maybe the subject of her weight had just better not ever come up in any conversation, ever.