Thursday, November 04, 2004
Chapter Four
“Fat ass my ass.” screamed Glenda. She was dressed in a halter top and a pair of leggings and it was very easy to tell that she did indeed have a generous posterior. The two men looked at each other in confusion. Neither made a move to leave or protect himself. The look on their faces said they hadn’t been trained to deal with plus size Amazons armed with automatic weapons.
Then Mr. Alpha and Omega blinked and seemed to come to. He raised the gun and fired it at Glenda who screamed like a crazed baboon and fired back at him. An astonishing noise and amount of bullets came out of the littler, benign looking gun. Both thugs ducked into the kitchen and Mr. Nothing began cursing steadily when he realized he didn’t have his weapon.
Xodiac watched in horror as her walls and the rest of her belongings disintegrated from the fierce sewing machine like gunfire. She’d seen plenty of movies but had no idea this kind of devastation could be wreaked so quickly and efficiently. Scratch efficiently, she thought as she noticed that Mr. Alpha and Mr. Omega as alive and well and returning fire.
Glenda didn’t seem to care that she presented the perfect target. She looked like Mother Nature had finally had enough and taken human form to get revenge for all the wrongs perpetrated against her over the millennia. She stood tall and proud with one gun over her shoulder and the other spewing destruction. She suddenly reminded Xodiac of Kali. She could just imagine a belt of skulls around Glenda’s ample waist. Oh dear God she had forgotten to tell Glenda she didn’t really think she had a fat ass. Talk about a mortifying situation! What kind of neighbor was she? This would never do.
Xodiac sat up and quickly realized that was a mistake. She ducked back down and tried to project her voice over the staccato gunfire. “Glenda?”
“What the hell do you want?”
“I don’t really think you have a fat ass. It’s luscious.” The gunfire stopped for a moment. Mr. Alpha and Omega took the opportunity to shoot at Glenda and miss again. She fired back at him almost as an afterthought, taking out Xodiac’s chandelier.
“Yeah? Expound.”
“Society is the problem, not your butt. People who can’t appreciate the larger inhabitants of our planet are short sighted fools who’ll end up alone and miserable choking on their own drool in a urine soaked nursing home. They’ll spend their last days wishing they’d cultivated a more humanistic, tolerant view.”
“You think?”
“I do.”
“Then why did you say that? The whole neighborhood heard you.”
“See those scrawny pukes? They’re trying to kill me. I needed your help. Only a majestic woman with strength and bulk could save me. I needed you, not some skinny minny.”
“Well damn that is so sweet. Let’s take them.” Glenda pulled a knife out of her ankle sock and threw it at Mr. Alpha and Omega, pinning his hand to the wall and making him drop the gun. Mr. Nothing scrambled for it and Glenda shot him in the ass just as cool as you please. He looked startled for a second and then closed his eyes with a little sigh.
“Holy cow you killed him!”
“Naw. That’s my tranquilizer gun.”
“Your what?”
“I have the Mac ten for the noise and show and then I have the tranquilizer gun for effective silencing of the target.” She shot Mr. Alpha and Omega and smiled when he sagged down, his hand still pinned above his head.
“Oh. You are really prepared. You put the Boy Scouts to shame.”
“You bet your bippy I do. This Mac is perfect for building sweeps but it’s essentially only marginally accurate. I wouldn’t use it to protect my life, just to make a big mess. It can fire up to 1500 rounds a minute you know.”
“Gosh it sounds expensive to feed.” Xodiac looked around sadly. “You sure did make a mess, you’re right about that.”
“Yeah well you’re alive aren’t you?”
“But you didn’t know I was in danger. You came over to shoot me.”
“Give me a break, Chicken Little. You never have guests at this time of night. You certainly wouldn’t be entertaining two men in your bedroom out of the blue. I was all set to come in when I heard you yelling.”
Xodiac blushed. “I’m sorry I thought poorly of you.”
“But you didn’t. You thought I could help you and that is a high compliment. Now enough of this. You call the police, although I suspect that isn’t necessary, I’m sure the neighbors called them when they heard the ruckus, and I’ll call my uncle in the FBI and get him over here in case I need some help.” She pulled a little pink cell phone out of her other sock and dialed.
#
Xodiac sat on Luci and Carl’s couch sipping hot chocolate and shivering. Luci covered her with an afghan. “What a crazy story,” said Carl. “You never found out what they wanted?”
”Not really. Just that they wanted something from my mom’s last days as a free woman.”
“It’s all very strange.”
“Tell me about it. Can you believe Glenda was packing like that?”
”Good thing the ban on assault weapons expired,” said Luci.
“Yeah. She said she just bought that MAC 10 this morning. You should see my house. Oh I guess you did. It’s destroyed. All my things are wrecked and I have nowhere to lay my head.”
“You know you can stay here until it’s fixed and furnished. That’s a given,” said Luci.
“That’s exactly right, don’t even give it a second thought,” said Carl.
“I don’t know how to thank you.”
“Then don’t,” he said. “Come on and give me a hug and get to bed. You look terrible.”
“No I don’t. Do I?”
“You do,” said Luci. “Come on, let’s go make up that bed in the spare room before you fall over from exhaustion.”
“Wait, I have to tell you something first. The police said these guys have been following me for weeks. Remember how the one guy made me pick up the phone when you called Luci? He knew it was you and he knew you’d worry if I didn’t pick up. He said it was my schedule that let them know it was safe to break in and they would have gotten away with killing me because nobody unexpected would come in and interrupt them.”
“But that’s not what happened, is it?” asked Luci. “Glenda came in and they didn’t kill you and everything turned out all right.”
“That’s not the point. The point is I have relied on doing everything exactly the same way for years so I could have some stability. I’ve been building security ever since they took my mother away and what happened? That very security blew up in my face and nearly got me killed. I can’t trust it ever again.”
“You’re overwrought. Go on to bed and we’ll talk tomorrow. It’s too soon for your brain to process,” said Carl.
“No I’m not and no it isn’t. I’m telling you the police officer said there is safety in breaking up your routine, not in having one. It’s not safe to always go to the bank on the same day and take out the same amount of cash. He said I’m lucky I didn’t attract a rapist. What kind of thing is that to say to a woman?”
“A stupid insensitive thing. It’s not your fault this happened. You didn’t bring it on and you’re not lucky some creeps decided to come after you. That’s ridiculous.”
“I’m the one who is ridiculous. I’m going to have to change every single thing I do. No more wearing green silk on Mondays. No more getting my gas on Sundays right after church. In fact no more church I guess. Oh this is terrible. What am I going to do?” Xodiac burst into tears. Carl got up and put the kettle on while Luci put her arms around Xodiac.
“It’s going to be okay. Really. You just need sleep. Carl’s going to make some chamomile tea and you’ll get some sleep and tomorrow everything will look better and brighter, I promise.”
#
Xodiac sighed and looked at the clock for the millionth time. Her entire schedule was destroyed. She hated it when she couldn’t sleep. Every time she looked at the clock she did the math and figured out how much sleep she would get if she went to sleep that very second. The number was already much too small and she was very far from sleep. Her sleep deficit could only worsen. There was no hope for her at all.
The police officer’s words echoed over and over in her mind. It was all her fault. Maybe her mother was a little to blame because if her mother hadn’t gone bad these guys wouldn’t be looking for her legacy, whatever that was, but still, it felt like Xodiac’s fault.
She had made a conscious decision when her mother was arrested to never let her life get untidy again. No sordid complications, nothing spur of the moment. Everything would be controlled and planned out as much as anyone can plan anything on this side of the veil.
Xodiac had gone to live with her father after the courts sent her mother away. Her father always seemed to view her with suspicion as though he thought she would shed her skin and turn into her mother one day when he least expected it.
He’d kept her on a tight rein and she hadn’t minded a bit. She’d learned everything she could about being organized from him and when he had a heart attack the week before she graduated from high school she’d been heartbroken. He might not have been warm and fuzzy but he was just what she had needed right when she needed it.
She wondered what he would have made of tonight’s events. “I’m sorry Dad,” she whispered. “I’ll do better, I promise.”
She closed her eyes and imagined a white room with cubes of various sizes and colors in it. She tensed her right foot while she mentally removed the purple cubes. She tensed her left foot while she removed the tiniest cubes. She did her calves and the blue cubes next. She worked her way up through her body, tensing then relaxing all her muscles while she made the room emptier and emptier until she was left with a stark white room with nothing in it and a totally relaxed body. Two minutes later she was sound asleep.
Then Mr. Alpha and Omega blinked and seemed to come to. He raised the gun and fired it at Glenda who screamed like a crazed baboon and fired back at him. An astonishing noise and amount of bullets came out of the littler, benign looking gun. Both thugs ducked into the kitchen and Mr. Nothing began cursing steadily when he realized he didn’t have his weapon.
Xodiac watched in horror as her walls and the rest of her belongings disintegrated from the fierce sewing machine like gunfire. She’d seen plenty of movies but had no idea this kind of devastation could be wreaked so quickly and efficiently. Scratch efficiently, she thought as she noticed that Mr. Alpha and Mr. Omega as alive and well and returning fire.
Glenda didn’t seem to care that she presented the perfect target. She looked like Mother Nature had finally had enough and taken human form to get revenge for all the wrongs perpetrated against her over the millennia. She stood tall and proud with one gun over her shoulder and the other spewing destruction. She suddenly reminded Xodiac of Kali. She could just imagine a belt of skulls around Glenda’s ample waist. Oh dear God she had forgotten to tell Glenda she didn’t really think she had a fat ass. Talk about a mortifying situation! What kind of neighbor was she? This would never do.
Xodiac sat up and quickly realized that was a mistake. She ducked back down and tried to project her voice over the staccato gunfire. “Glenda?”
“What the hell do you want?”
“I don’t really think you have a fat ass. It’s luscious.” The gunfire stopped for a moment. Mr. Alpha and Omega took the opportunity to shoot at Glenda and miss again. She fired back at him almost as an afterthought, taking out Xodiac’s chandelier.
“Yeah? Expound.”
“Society is the problem, not your butt. People who can’t appreciate the larger inhabitants of our planet are short sighted fools who’ll end up alone and miserable choking on their own drool in a urine soaked nursing home. They’ll spend their last days wishing they’d cultivated a more humanistic, tolerant view.”
“You think?”
“I do.”
“Then why did you say that? The whole neighborhood heard you.”
“See those scrawny pukes? They’re trying to kill me. I needed your help. Only a majestic woman with strength and bulk could save me. I needed you, not some skinny minny.”
“Well damn that is so sweet. Let’s take them.” Glenda pulled a knife out of her ankle sock and threw it at Mr. Alpha and Omega, pinning his hand to the wall and making him drop the gun. Mr. Nothing scrambled for it and Glenda shot him in the ass just as cool as you please. He looked startled for a second and then closed his eyes with a little sigh.
“Holy cow you killed him!”
“Naw. That’s my tranquilizer gun.”
“Your what?”
“I have the Mac ten for the noise and show and then I have the tranquilizer gun for effective silencing of the target.” She shot Mr. Alpha and Omega and smiled when he sagged down, his hand still pinned above his head.
“Oh. You are really prepared. You put the Boy Scouts to shame.”
“You bet your bippy I do. This Mac is perfect for building sweeps but it’s essentially only marginally accurate. I wouldn’t use it to protect my life, just to make a big mess. It can fire up to 1500 rounds a minute you know.”
“Gosh it sounds expensive to feed.” Xodiac looked around sadly. “You sure did make a mess, you’re right about that.”
“Yeah well you’re alive aren’t you?”
“But you didn’t know I was in danger. You came over to shoot me.”
“Give me a break, Chicken Little. You never have guests at this time of night. You certainly wouldn’t be entertaining two men in your bedroom out of the blue. I was all set to come in when I heard you yelling.”
Xodiac blushed. “I’m sorry I thought poorly of you.”
“But you didn’t. You thought I could help you and that is a high compliment. Now enough of this. You call the police, although I suspect that isn’t necessary, I’m sure the neighbors called them when they heard the ruckus, and I’ll call my uncle in the FBI and get him over here in case I need some help.” She pulled a little pink cell phone out of her other sock and dialed.
#
Xodiac sat on Luci and Carl’s couch sipping hot chocolate and shivering. Luci covered her with an afghan. “What a crazy story,” said Carl. “You never found out what they wanted?”
”Not really. Just that they wanted something from my mom’s last days as a free woman.”
“It’s all very strange.”
“Tell me about it. Can you believe Glenda was packing like that?”
”Good thing the ban on assault weapons expired,” said Luci.
“Yeah. She said she just bought that MAC 10 this morning. You should see my house. Oh I guess you did. It’s destroyed. All my things are wrecked and I have nowhere to lay my head.”
“You know you can stay here until it’s fixed and furnished. That’s a given,” said Luci.
“That’s exactly right, don’t even give it a second thought,” said Carl.
“I don’t know how to thank you.”
“Then don’t,” he said. “Come on and give me a hug and get to bed. You look terrible.”
“No I don’t. Do I?”
“You do,” said Luci. “Come on, let’s go make up that bed in the spare room before you fall over from exhaustion.”
“Wait, I have to tell you something first. The police said these guys have been following me for weeks. Remember how the one guy made me pick up the phone when you called Luci? He knew it was you and he knew you’d worry if I didn’t pick up. He said it was my schedule that let them know it was safe to break in and they would have gotten away with killing me because nobody unexpected would come in and interrupt them.”
“But that’s not what happened, is it?” asked Luci. “Glenda came in and they didn’t kill you and everything turned out all right.”
“That’s not the point. The point is I have relied on doing everything exactly the same way for years so I could have some stability. I’ve been building security ever since they took my mother away and what happened? That very security blew up in my face and nearly got me killed. I can’t trust it ever again.”
“You’re overwrought. Go on to bed and we’ll talk tomorrow. It’s too soon for your brain to process,” said Carl.
“No I’m not and no it isn’t. I’m telling you the police officer said there is safety in breaking up your routine, not in having one. It’s not safe to always go to the bank on the same day and take out the same amount of cash. He said I’m lucky I didn’t attract a rapist. What kind of thing is that to say to a woman?”
“A stupid insensitive thing. It’s not your fault this happened. You didn’t bring it on and you’re not lucky some creeps decided to come after you. That’s ridiculous.”
“I’m the one who is ridiculous. I’m going to have to change every single thing I do. No more wearing green silk on Mondays. No more getting my gas on Sundays right after church. In fact no more church I guess. Oh this is terrible. What am I going to do?” Xodiac burst into tears. Carl got up and put the kettle on while Luci put her arms around Xodiac.
“It’s going to be okay. Really. You just need sleep. Carl’s going to make some chamomile tea and you’ll get some sleep and tomorrow everything will look better and brighter, I promise.”
#
Xodiac sighed and looked at the clock for the millionth time. Her entire schedule was destroyed. She hated it when she couldn’t sleep. Every time she looked at the clock she did the math and figured out how much sleep she would get if she went to sleep that very second. The number was already much too small and she was very far from sleep. Her sleep deficit could only worsen. There was no hope for her at all.
The police officer’s words echoed over and over in her mind. It was all her fault. Maybe her mother was a little to blame because if her mother hadn’t gone bad these guys wouldn’t be looking for her legacy, whatever that was, but still, it felt like Xodiac’s fault.
She had made a conscious decision when her mother was arrested to never let her life get untidy again. No sordid complications, nothing spur of the moment. Everything would be controlled and planned out as much as anyone can plan anything on this side of the veil.
Xodiac had gone to live with her father after the courts sent her mother away. Her father always seemed to view her with suspicion as though he thought she would shed her skin and turn into her mother one day when he least expected it.
He’d kept her on a tight rein and she hadn’t minded a bit. She’d learned everything she could about being organized from him and when he had a heart attack the week before she graduated from high school she’d been heartbroken. He might not have been warm and fuzzy but he was just what she had needed right when she needed it.
She wondered what he would have made of tonight’s events. “I’m sorry Dad,” she whispered. “I’ll do better, I promise.”
She closed her eyes and imagined a white room with cubes of various sizes and colors in it. She tensed her right foot while she mentally removed the purple cubes. She tensed her left foot while she removed the tiniest cubes. She did her calves and the blue cubes next. She worked her way up through her body, tensing then relaxing all her muscles while she made the room emptier and emptier until she was left with a stark white room with nothing in it and a totally relaxed body. Two minutes later she was sound asleep.
